The most astonishing thing about Doctor Who fandom – apart from its ability to match Brian Blessed in the OTT stakes – is the utter diversity of opinion out there. It’s astonishing enough that few stories are revered widely – and even then, there’ll still be a lot of people who don’t like them.
So when you get fans together to come up with their picks for who’ll be the Eleventh Doctor, the results are ridiculously varied. In a good way, I mean! But it’s astonishing; with, say, a new Bond, you’d get loads of people suggesting “Bondian” actors, and maybe a in-fight here and there about whether Bond should be blonde.
Even though the phrase “Doctorish” exists in Doctor Who fandom... I mean, not only is it a word ignored by loads of fans as being a pointless criteria – particularly in the wake of Eccleston – it’s also a word that means different things. For some it means “generic Victoriana”, for some it means “as fucking mad as Tom Baker was”, for some it means “not silly, has gravitas”, blah, blah, blah.
And so the list that Doctor Who fans would come up with are inevitably insane – talk show hosts, non-actors. It’s astonishing enough that women are considered for the role (well, by fandom; I’m not sure if a production team has ever seriously done so, unless Big Finish counts)!
I went scouring through Outpost Gallifrey to compile a list of names (yes, I’m sad. I’m a Doctor Who fan, what do you expect?), and got... too many. Far too many. I can’t be bothered looking them all up. When it gets to the point that all the names blur into each other, and you end up researching some mid-40s bloke from Brisbane who once played Hitchcock on stage but is slyly hinting he went to a Doctor Who audition... I mean, really.
So instead of commenting on everyone, like I so wanted to; I’m going to just randomly group names together.
First group:
THE ONES WITH GREAT NAMES
I’ve no idea if a lot of these should be a potential Doctor, but the following are brilliant names:
Callum Blue
Benedict Cumberbatch
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Ioan Gruffydd
Haydn Gwynne
Jimmi Harkishin
Dervla Kirwan
Karolina Kurkova
Art Malik
Colm Meany
Ardal O’Hanlon
Peter Outerbridge
David Oyelowo
Ed Tudor Pole
Robert Popper
Zachary Quinto
Sendhil Ramamurthy
Ramon Tikarum
Pip Torrens
Out of those, O’Hanlon and Ejiofor are the only ones I know quite a bit about; and Art Malik was in ‘The Skull of Sobek’. That’s all I know about him.
Imagine being called “Colm Meany” though. I love it, I really do.
THE ONES THAT SEEM A BIT TOO SHOWBIZ/LEGENDARY
The following actors seem like nice – and are often highly obvious – ideas, but... they’re almost too obvious. They’re too established. Half of them are British National Treasures, practically.
Rowan Atkinson
Far too iconic.
Bill Bailey
The half-troll’s* a distinctive enough bugger anyway, but particularly in the wake of Black Books... nah.
*He called himself that. Calm down.
David Beckham
*chokes* Anyway, even if this was a serious suggestion, “Reverse the polarity like Beckham” doesn’t have the same ring, does it?
David Bowie
Obviously the guy can act, and obviously the guy’s so eccentric that playing aliens comes naturally to him. But come on. He’s David Bowie! At least with Billie Piper, barely anyone outside of the UK even remembered her, and she had all that time to grow up.
John Cleese
Far, far, FAR too iconic.
Martin Clunes
Which is funny, considering it’s very, very hard to watch ‘Snakedance’ now without feeling like it’s some industry injoke, like the previous fella’s appearance in ‘City of Death’. I feel I could make some joke linking ‘Snakedance’ and Monty Python, but that would be me behaving badly.
Sasha Baron Cohen
...admittedly, we’d have no idea how he would play it. His two standout roles have been nothing like him, as opposed to, say, Basil Fawlty, at the very least, resembling Cleese. Possibly the best suggestion out of this group so far, but still, for some reason...
Billy Connolly
It’s a funny idea.
Alan Davies
I really like Jonathan Creek, quite a lot. I think Davies is brilliant in it. But with respect, that sort of is his Doctorish role, right there. I couldn’t see him doing anything different, and that’d annoy me.
Noel Fielding
Erm...
Martin Freeman
This is the second best suggestion so far, after Sasha Baron Cohen (oh god, did I really just say that?). Cos, you know, Freeman can act. But somehow him being Arthur Dent would make it seem really weird for him to be the Doctor, too.
Nick Frost
Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fan that I am... just no.
Mark Gatiss
It’s a shame, but there you go. Admittedly The League of Gentlemen STILL isn’t in the public eye in the way that Little Britain is, and Catherine Tate managed to be in the series, but... but Gatiss just seems too obvious now, I’m afraid. Never mind that he’s already been in the series.
Ricky Gervais
I’m pretty sure Gervais only knows how to act comedy (not that acting comedy is easy, mind you), but I could be wrong. I don’t despise the idea anywhere near as much as some do, but it’s not something that appeals in the slightest, I’m afraid.
Hugh Grant
Hard to articulate this, but... you know how the Doctor (supposedly) has to be a British character? Hugh Grant is, in fact, too British. He also appears to be too human. I couldn’t for a second imagine him playing an alien, he’d be less believable than Pertwee. I’ve nothing against his looks though, that’s a stupid reason to not cast him.
Richard E Grant
I see no real problem with this, even though ‘Scream of the Shalka’ wasn’t the most interesting thing ever (on the other hand, it’s possibly a better window for alt-universe fanfics than even Cushing. Gotta respect it on that level). He’s done it twice now, in fact! Maybe three is just far too many. Oh, and I must admit that I wouldn’t find him captivating unless he was in his “nasty, swearing” persona, which even the ‘Shalka’ Doctor didn’t even get to (though it tried, valiantly). A nice E Grant is a boring E Grant.
Rupert Grint
I’m certain that Rupert in particular could have some sort of a career post-Harry Potter that’d, you know, at least quell the whole Harry Potter thing... but c’mon, I’ve mentioned Harry Potter twice in the last sentence. That’s all you need to know.
(Although funnily enough, in 2006 I was half-serious about the idea of him playing the role whilst wearing his rather horrible dress-robes from the Yule Ball. It’d be a laugh, anyway)
Anthony Head
Never mind that he’s been in ‘School Reunion’ – the true problem is Buffy. And then Little Britain. I don’t know. It’s like James Marsters in Torchwood – he may be good as John Hart, but deep down we all can’t not think of him as Spike.
(I’ll be interested if this still happens when Dragonball comes out. Oh god, Dragonball. Oh god)
Liz Hurley
Errrrr... only if it was like Austin Powers, and her companion was a sex-obsessed relic from the 60s who outstayed his welcome. No, wait on. We already had Fitz.
Derek Jacobi
One of the legion of “far too iconic old British legends”, along with Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee. Never mind that he was already the Master. In fact, him only-being-the-Master-for-such-a-short-time is in itself indicative of why a long-term casting wouldn’t work.
Hugh Laurie
House; Blackadder; Fry and Laurie. We know it won’t work.
(Incidentally, I already forgot Stephen Fry. Oh well. Obviously not him either)
Christopher Lee
*sigh*
Matt Lucas
Not at all appropriate. Even though, unlike David Walliams, he is capable of acting in more than two ways.
Joanna Lumley
Personally I’m still astonished that she was in Sapphire and Steel. But yes – I love Lumley to pieces, mainly due to her appearance, but no. No.
Rik Mayall
And Ade Edmonson for that matter. Great to see them with new roles in Jonathan Creek. In Doctor Who? Maybe, but not as the lead.
Matthew McFayden
I’m sufficiently more impressed after watching Spooks with McFayden, but he faces the same problem that Hugh Grant does; he’s just too British. I mean, he was Darcy, for god’s sake. Unfortunate, but there you are.
Dylan Moran
Let’s just put a blanket ban on comedians, shall we? Just because Pertwee got in, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to throw any old comedian into the mix.
Morrissey
Well, he’s bizarre enough. Again, ala Bowie; he’s Morrissey.
Simon Pegg
Apparently Pegg said he wouldn’t accept the role if it was offered to him, because he’d probably fuck it up. This seems a bit harsh on himself, but it’s not that, so much as... unless there’s a massive hidden depth we haven’t seen yet, I don’t think I’d be able to see him as anything but a loser. I love him for it, but...
...actually, there is Hot Fuzz. But he’s a ridiculous hard man in that, it’s like the complete opposite extreme.
Billie Piper
This’d be really rather hilarious, and yet I honestly could see the show getting away with it. It’s either wonderful or disturbing, but there it is; one of the best “female Doctor” suggestions I’ve heard, even if I don’t personally think it should happen.
Amanda Redman
Now that would do weird things to At Home with the Braithwaithes. The series might as well be called “The Two Doctors (and Family)” instead. Redman doesn’t seem too iconic, but unless the series radically changed itself, I don’t see how it’d work. She’s too normal and motherly. Even Lumley would make far more sense.
Though speaking of Braithwaithes, wouldn’t Sarah Smart be genuinely brilliant? She’s perfectly capable of being attractive and pulling off bizarre body language.
Alan Rickman
He’s Alan Rickman.
Geoffrey Rush
Not a British national treasure, but... he’s Geoffrey Rush!
Andrew Sachs
Well, he’s obviously too old anyway.
Jennifer Saunders
No thanks. If we have to go Ab Fab, Lumley or Sawahla, please. Not Saunders.
Alexei Sayle
Again, no thanks. Though I do like his DJ in ‘Revelation’!
Patrick Stewart
Hahahahaa... oh wait, you’re serious?
Catherine Tate
HAHAAHAHAHAHA... etc.
David Walliams
You know that “character” Walliams plays in Little Britain, who vomits at the first sign of racism? I’m imagining a similar reaction occurring if he’s announced as the Doctor.
THE UTTERLY INSANE SUGGESTIONS
No, really; Morrissey isn’t that insane a suggestion. Let’s see the other lunatic names that Doctor Who fans have jokingly – and, disturbingly, not jokingly – pulled out of their hats:
Frances Barber
In full-on disturbingly-sexy outfit, please.
Brian Blessed
“PERI, IF WE SNEAK UP ON THESE DALEKS FROM BEHIND, MAYBE THEY WON’T SEE US!” “EXTERMINATE!” “NO NEED TO SHOUT!!!!”
Tony Coburn
I’d suggest checking this guy out on Youtube; he does killingly accurate impressions of Tennant’s Doctor. And his sketches are actually quite funny, too. Obviously he shouldn’t be cast on that basis, but man... if they ever find themselves in another ‘Five Doctors’-like situation, with Tennant unavailable, Coburn would be great. Or maybe he could be a fake 10th, like David Morrissey is a fake? That’d be a great episode too.
Judie Dench
... :)
Doctor Dre
So when the 12th Doctor’s cast, will he be in a multi-Doctor special called ‘D12’?
(Yeah, I know he wasn’t in D12, he just collaborated with them at one stage. But I couldn’t let that horrible joke past)
Zac Efron
HAHAHAHAHAHA, OH MY GOD. ‘Gallifrey Academy Musical’, by Gary Russell. It’s got to happen.
Whoopie Goldberg
So let’s see... she’s been suggested as Jonathan Creek, and now as the Doctor (albeit by a fan in the latter case). Let’s make her Sherlock Holmes too! And James Bond! Hell, let’s make her planet Earth itself!
No wait, that’s been done.
David Gulpilil
There’s nothing wrong with this choice; in fact, I’ve now got this mental image of a cross between Rabbit-Proof Fence (with his amazing tracking abilities – “Dalek come this way”) and Australia (standing on a mountain, muttering and seemingly casting spells. And appearing mysteriously to guide people. Actually he did that in The Last Wave too, didn’t he?). But it’s just so utterly bizarre, mainly because it’d never happen.
Stephen Hawking
...Newstopia already used the DalekHawking idea, so I won’t go there. Admittedly Hawking would be great company, but it’d be bizarre seeing him as the Doctor. Still... I’d kill to have him if the alternative was, say, Richard Dawkins.
Samuel L Jackson
Peri: “Doctor, the faucet in the shower isn’t working!”
Doctor: “Faucet? FAUCET? ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER... DO YOU SPEAK IT?”
Ron Jeremy
HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA, YESSSSS!!! If his companion somehow happens to be 70s-Cynthia Myers, it’d be even more amazing.
David Knijenburg
Fair play to the guy, I’d like to see his Hitchcock, but... dude. The whole article, suggesting that this Australian actor that barely anyone Australian on Outpost Gallifrey had even heard of would become the next Doctor... oh, hysterical.
Jude Law
Uhhhh...
John Lithgow
Weeeelll...
Paul McGann
...this is mainly being suggested because “he didn’t get a fair crack of the whip”, which annoys me, because it assumes McGann has only been associated with the series once. He’s not exactly the George Lazenby of Doctor Who, y’know. But really, I mean... no.
James Nesbitt
...okay, I’m being mean. I’m such a colm meany.
Barack Obama
No, I’m not kidding. Someone replied saying that McCain would be a better choice, considering he has more free time now. :P
Sarah Palin
NO, I’M NOT KIDDING. Though obviously they were.
Keanu Reeves
Hahaahahaa. Oh boy.
Sparacus
If you don’t know him, you don’t want to. If you do, I said everything I needed to about this when I said “Sparacus”.
Ringo Starr
It seems ridiculous, but you never know. Considering the Doctor randomly appears out of the vortex, Ringo Starr very well could play him; he was constantly out of time.
The Stig
So we go from “GEAR” to Top Gear.
Mark Strickson
I’m not sure why this amuses the hell out of me... it just does! Especially if he still had to wear that fucking schoolboy outfit.
David Tennant
What, this git as the Doctor? T’would never work.
Renee Zellwegger
*eyes boggle*
And, finally...
THE TOP 8 SUGGESTIONS
You know, the ones I’d actually like to see.
8. Chiwetel Ejiofor
It’s not just because of his brilliant name, either. I admittedly haven’t actually seen this guy in anything, and I certainly hadn’t heard of him before all the Eleventh Doctor speculation, but... but his resume really is very impressive, and he seems a very versatile guy.
The fact that I haven’t seen him at all, yet still think he’d be great, speaks volumes, really.
(About my insanity as much as his suitability)
7. Timothy Dalton
Normally I’d draw the line at Bonds being Doctors, but... Dalton’s nowhere near as iconic as Connery or Moore, and he’s not in the public consciousness like Craig. And unlike Lazenby, he’s a highly-accomplished actor (no offence to Lazenby meant!) who, of course, was recently in Hot Fuzz, being absolutely brilliant (and, crucially, unBondian).
...or maybe, this is purely because I want to hear him say “BLOODY”. “Where’s my bloody sonic, Rose?” Yeah, I like the sound of that.
6. Robson Green
Used to be my no.2 choice – back when I, erm, couldn’t really picture anyone but my 2 choices playing the part (I didn’t know that many candidates, really). Inevitably, I don’t think I’d ever find him as brilliant as the Doctor as in Wire in the Blood... and oh yeah, it’s rumoured that he apparently dislikes the show anyway. *shrug*
The other problem is... well, the idea appeals to me because I like the idea of a near-emotionless, disturbingly-alien, completely-amoral Doctor. So much so, that I wrote a fanfic a while ago – and I don’t often write fanfic (I never post them, either!) – with him as an 11th Doctor. He was a psychological Doctor, taking apart the villains through words, then giving them a chance to redeem themselves. If not, bang. Goodbye!
Obviously though, this is a horrible idea for the lead character. Even in my fanfic, I compensated by making it a multi-Doctor story, and seeing this amoral 11th Doctor through a 12th Doctor’s eyes!
5. David Wenham
I laughed at the idea of an Australian before, and y’know, most Australian actors would feel just wrong. And I am Australian. But surprisingly, Wenham isn’t actually a bad idea. He’s got the Lord of the Rings role – and now Australia – to give him a near-star rating, and yet he’s not so ingrained into the publics’ minds – other than Australians who grew up on Seachange, naturally – that it’d work against him.
I’m certain he could put on a British accent too. But actually... I just then had the idea of him being a future Master, in the same vein as his performance in Australia. There’s something hilariously spooky about a villain who says, “Yeah, I think I might just kill you... yeah...”
(That will mean nothing if you haven’t seen Australia)
4. Mos Def
He’s a great musician, and he can act. Better yet, he can act alien – Hitchhiker’s proved this. There’s really nothing silly about this idea at all.
3. Keeley Hawes
I’m not entirely sold on the “female Doctor” idea, and for one key reason; I don’t think we’re (sadly) at a point where it wouldn’t matter. I mean, say if Paterson Joseph is cast – there’ll be a big brouhaha in the papers about him being the first black Doctor, but in the actual series? Especially considering the (assumedly) lack of companion at the time, there’s no reason why he couldn’t just wake up, now black, and there’d be no comment on it. Why would there be?
But being a woman... hmmm, now that’s a harder issue to skirt around (no pun intended). You’ve either got the Lumley route – ironically, written by Moffat – or you can ignore it altogether. But ignoring it altogether is rather too bizarre, even for a Time Lord.
(Also, would his enemy be The Mistress to compensate? That’d be kinda cool, actually)
And yet, if any actress can do the whole, “Whoa! I’m a woman!” thing, pull it off without it feeling smug, and then go about as if it doesn’t matter in the slightest... it’s Keeley Hawes. She’s certainly attractive and young enough to be appealing, but she’s also ever so slightly weird without being forcibly so. She’d get away with it; five minutes into the episode, you’d actually forget that the Doctor wasn’t a woman before.
I’m thinking Hawes being more like she is in Tipping the Velvet rather than Spooks, naturally. That level of slight eccentricity.
(Er, maybe it also helps that she dresses as a man in TtV? Hmm...!)
2. Paterson Joseph
This seems pretty much confirmed now. Like most of the rest of the list, I’d never heard of Joseph before the speculation (I wasn’t a part of DW fandom much until Tennant was firmly established, at the very least). I’d never seen or heard of Neverwhere. In fact, it took me a while to realise, when I started noticing his name being mentioned, that I’d actually already seen him twice before; once, in ‘Bad Wolf’ (he’s brilliant in that), and in The Beach. I went looking for the latter for a rewatch but can’t find it. Damn.
Apparently his performance in Neverwhere is what made fans start suggesting him from as early as the mid-90s; I’m determined to watch it, but you know what? Even without that, I’m convinced. There’s something about him, there really is. I watched an interview with him at the very least, and he’s fascinating; he manages to talk at length about his character in Survivors without being boring about it, which is a surprisingly rare thing in actors (my no.1 hasn’t been able to do that!). He’d be great on Confidential. And perplexingly, he actually appears to really like sci-fi, which is amazing considering his build and appearance.
Oh yes, and though I recognise that Tennant’s geekily sexy... Joseph actually is seductive-looking. Were he cast, I’d probably develop a mancrush on him.
But seriously though; the best thing about him, for me, is that, were he cast, I wouldn’t be disappointed that my no.1 wasn’t. Which is not the case with any other name I’ve seen suggested.
1. Robert Carlyle
Well, it has to be, doesn’t it? :P
Especially now that he seems to be open about the idea; back when I saw an interview for 28 Weeks Later and it was mentioned, I was horribly disappointed – though not too surprised, I must admit – that he said, with a slight bit of “er, no!” in his voice, “It’s not really on my radar.” According to a new mini-interview, though, he was really only being diplomatic because he didn’t want to step on another actor’s shoes... and he’d definitely consider it, if called.
This is incredibly exciting. It’s also pretty much perfectly timed; from what I’ve read (though I’m buggered if I remember where), Carlyle’s taking a break from his big-movie-careering anyway because he wants to spend time in the UK again, near his family. Admittedly, Cardiff is hardly Scotland, but it’s close enough that it still fits in with his apparent plans. God, it’s practically perfect.
And of course, he happens to be – along with Eccleston, and Ewan McGregor (though the latter is the most recognised, I’d say) – among the 90s British talent that emerged. All were, of course, in Danny Boyle movies! Some have suggested that Carlyle is too high-profile to be cast, but if Eccleston got in, there’s no reason why Carlyle couldn’t. He’s a name without being too big a name, and he’s a great British actor without being a national treasure (i.e. his performances aren’t self-indulgent :P).
And he could do anything. I’ve no idea what Joseph has up his sleeve, of course, but we’ve absolutely no idea what Carlyle could achieve with the role. And that, in itself, is the most exciting thing of all.
EDIT FROM 2014 ME WHO IS DISGUSTED AT HIMSELF: have removed some gross/problematic commentary from this. also lol @ the bit where Paterson Joseph is supposedly practically confirmed
Monday, December 8, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Paul McGann conspiracy!
[I wrote this a very long time ago, and never finished it. Here's what I wrote... enjoy!]
Paul McGann: The Conspiracy
IS PAUL DEAD???
by Dom Kelly.
Foreword
Is Paul McGann dead?
Some would say, “Of course not, don’t be stupid, never write anything like this again and I’ve booked you in for a lobotomy next week”, others would say, “How could you say that?! You made me think he was dead! You barstard!”, while the rest would likely say, “Paul who?”.
Indeed; Paul who. Paul McGann portrayed the Eighth incarnation of the Doctor, the title character in the popular BBC science fiction show Doctor Who. Or did he? Startling results and patterns have arisen from weighing up all the evidence presented in his numerous adventures, whether in the medium of film, CD, book or comic strip. There are intriguing plot threads picked over with this particular Doctor, which when combined portray a shocking truth that the writers of those media are trying to push through subliminally: Paul McGann is dead.
Yes, this is another “Paul Mc(insert name) is Dead” conspiracy. But unlike the Beatles’ album “clues”, the clues presented in Doctor Who towards Paul McGann’s death are much more revealing and believable. Are you game enough to accept the truth? Or will you cast this conspiracy away in the junk pile of supposedly fake conspiracies? If so, I declare you’re an alien that faked the landing on the moon, shot John F. Kennedy on the grassy knolls... in fact you’re Silver Nemesis.
Paul McGann too had a nemesis. A nemesis closer to home than he would have suspected. Mainly because his nemesis was... no, you’ll find out.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to take you through a journey. This book is like a TARDIS: it’s bigger on the inside than the outside, unless you bought it in hardcopy edition, and it contains many secrets. Many shocking secrets. If word gets around that I wrote this, please protect me. Paul McGann’s killer will do anything to keep this quiet.
So on a journey to unearth the numerous clues and finally reveal the man who killed Paul McGann, we must first dematerialise towards the end of the “classic” series of Doctor Who.
The Old Testament
1989. The McCoy era in particular. After 26 seasons on British television (and other less significant countries’ television), Doctor Who was finally dead and buried. We hadn’t seen the Doctor die, but with the death of the programme, this surely meant the death of the Doctor himself.
But you can’t keep a good man buried. Much like Paul McGann. A side note: both McCoy and McGann have a last name that begins with “Mc”. This may seem like a coincidence, but consider that Paul McCartney too had a last name just like that.
The McCoy Doctor was Doctor No. Seven. Seven, as many might know, is a very magical number. It is associated with many different religions, including Christianity. It is also the number of days in a week, and the McCoy era ironically started with Season 24, which is therefore 24/7. A coincidence? Hardly. The power of the number 7 to do with Christianity is also important that the Doctor has 13 lives – 13 being the superstitious number (and Season 26 is double 13), and Judas betraying Jesus. In this case, there was indeed a Judas that betrayed a Jesus, though this time the Judas did not hang himself, but wore the skin of Paul McGann in a metaphorical-Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The number 7 is also important if you consider that Jesus fed the people with five loaves and seven fish. 5 and 7 are important numbers, because, although John Nathan-Turner (usually known as JNT) was first producer at the end of the 4th Doctor’s reign, the 5th to 7th Doctor’s reigns are the “controversial” period of Doctor Who, with, allegedly, the following: lame companions, badly realised Doctors, terrible scripts and yawn-worthy effects. This is not an argument that is relevant here. But there was one aspect of JNT’s new direction that stayed consistent with his Doctors and annoys many fans to this day: question marks.
The 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th Doctors all have question marks located on their lapels, their jumpers... the 7th Doctor even had a question mark umbrella. In fact, they grew more prominent as time went on. Many are under the impression that this was JNT’s lame attempt at creating mystery in the character of the Doctor, when really all it did was make him into a brand.
But was this the true reason for the question marks?
The question marks were a symbol, yes, but not of the mysteriousness of the character of the Doctor... but of the future event that would lead to Paul McGann’s death.
The classic series of Doctor Who was a prophecy. The Old Testament, if you will.
In Christianity, the Old Testament often foretells a future messiah that would come to save the world. Paul McGann was going to be the Second Coming, the saviour of Doctor Who as a series – but unfortunately, whilst this did happen, he died in the attempt.
The entire series was obviously prophetic. Consider the founder of the series – Sydney Newman. “New man”. A new man took over Paul McGann’s role when he died. Warp the posters for the TV Movie, “time waits for no man”, and you get “Time waits for new man”. No man – the McCoy Doctor, when he was continued in Virgin’s New Adventures, is generally distinguished as the NA Doctor. NA – an acronym which points to the “no man” theory. Consider also the name of the publishers – Virgin. The Virgin Mary, perhaps? The Virgin New Adventures were a continuation of the Seventh, “NA” Doctor, until the time – time waits for no man – when the prophecy of Paul McGann’s death, his death to save us all, would tragically take place. They are, as the first Eighth Doctor printed novel was known, “The Dying Days”.
But let’s go back to the beginning. Back to 1963.
1963 was a momentous year. A meme, a cultural icon, was bubbling beneath the surface. An icon that would shape British culture for generations to come. And it would start in that very year. It would start on the 23rd of November.
But tragedy struck the beginning of Doctor Who, too. The day before the show went to air, on the 22nd of November, the President of the United States of America, John F Kennedy, was assassinated. Popularly known as JFK (JFK, JNT. Coincidence?), his death has been blamed on many. Another conspiracy that is linked indefinitely to Doctor Who. Not only was JFK killed, but his brother was to be shot later down the line as well. Could this have been used as a metaphor for the prophecy of Doctor Who? In the 7th Doctor story ‘Silver Nemesis’, the script informs us that the so-called Silver Nemesis was responsible for the death of JFK. JNT was obviously making a link here. Consider also that an airport was named after JFK after his death – and JNT desired to use aeroplanes in the story ‘Time-Flight’. ‘Time-Flight’ is an episode that contains many secrets too, but I will get to these later. Suffice to say that JNT decided to hint at the truth to the fans with the story ‘Silver Nemesis’... to give an explanation for what was to come later, in 1996, with Paul McGann’s death.
Consider also that, when David Bishop tried an alternate explanation for the death of JFK under the publishing eyes of Virgin, his novel was indeed published but left out of Missing Adventure lists. A rejection of a disciple of Doctor Who who tried to tell a falsehood? A non-believer?
And also rather interestingly, the script that precedes ‘Silver Nemesis’, ‘The Happiness Patrol’, is written by Graeme Curry. Curry is the favourite food of space bum Dave Lister in the series Red Dwarf. In the episode ‘Tikka to Ride’, the Dwarfers go back in time and prevent the assassination of JFK. The result of this action isn’t actually as good as one might think. Could it be that the writers of Red Dwarf, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, had in fact been informed of the truth from fellow sci-fi writers? Perhaps the episode ‘Tikka to Ride’ is in fact intended to continue the metaphor, with the death of Paul McGann being conceived as a good thing in most respects? That had he lived, the world may not be such a wonderful place? This isn’t entirely unbelievable. Steve Lyons, a Doctor Who author, also wrote the Red Dwarf programme guide. And in the Red Dwarf Omnibus book, extra bonus material at the end contains an idea that the writers of Red Dwarf rejected – a comedy series where people travelled in time and space via a police box. Evidently their lives have been touched by the programme. Perhaps ‘Tikka to Ride’ is a reflection of this? So too, it must be said, would be Douglas Adams, who is famous for writing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but is lesser known for his role as script editor on Doctor Who. Intriguingly, his story ‘Shada’ was unfinished and later recreated through audio by Big Finish Productions – and this time starring the Eighth Doctor, the supposed Paul McGann, who like Tom Baker is a Scouser (from Liverpool). Also note that his stint as script editor began with ‘Destiny of the Daleks’, where an exchange between Romana and the Doctor goes something like this: “Romana, you can’t just take someone else’s face”. And yet someone took McGann’s...
A final point, for future discussion: Romana is a derivation of the Romanovs, a Russian royal family who all died of blood problems. Keep that firmly in mind, because the idea of family will become very important later on.
So where does this leave us? Jonathan Morris (who incidentally is a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) may be leaving us a clue in his Eighth Doctor book, ‘The Tomorrow Windows’: he introduces the audience to the idea of a meme, a sort of cultural idea that spreads and grows. Doctor Who itself could be considered such a meme. It is therefore not unreasonable to claim that writers such as Adams, Morris, Grant and Naylor were so firmly entrenched in the British science fiction scene that they too have been touched by the prophecy of Doctor Who.
Doctor Who began with its first story, ‘An Unearthly Child’, the night after JFK’s death. Since audiences were at the time too shocked from his death to really watch the program, the BBC repeated it the following week. Why? Because they had to. Audiences had to watch it. It was absolutely essential.
‘An Unearthly Child’ is the first indication of the prophecy, though it’s quite subtle in the way it presents it. The story is remembered for its first episode mainly, but the rest of the story is more important symbolically: the Doctor, after all, meets cavemen. How interesting, considering that they start in the beginning, with the first signs of man – as the Old Testament does in Genesis. Ian and Barbara play very much the role of Adam and Eve in this story, too – tempted by the Doctor and Susan to learn more about the universe than they thought they ever would need to. And the cavemen themselves bring home a sort of Cain and Abel motif... which will become very important later on in this conspiracy.
But there is something more shocking buried at the heart of this episode: the idea of the junkyard, 76 Totters Lane. This lane would become a very important street name for fans of the series – but so too would Abbey Road for the Beatles fans...
Consider the links between this show and the Beatles. There is the entire Paul McCartney conspiracy, obviously, but legend has it that upon hearing the Doctor Who theme realised by Delia Derbyshire at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, the Beatles paid her a visit. To be influenced by her musically? Possibly. But is it also plausible that they met to find out the prophecy, and became keepers of the flame? Have you ever considered that the Paul McCartney conspiracy may in fact be simply another factor of the Paul McGann conspiracy, and that McCartney isn’t dead, but was used as a metaphor for the man set to die?
The Beatles - Part of the Conspiracy?
Many fans of the Beatles have subscribed to the “Paul McCartney” is dead theory, based on numerous evidence and clues given throughout the albums. Yet is it possible that all of this was indeed a metaphor for the future, far greater death? Did the death of musical genius John Lennon also have something to do with Doctor Who?
It’s entirely possible. As has been cited elsewhere, messages such as “PMDies” and “Turn me on dead man” in the song Revolution 9 (Ninth Doctor?) are perhaps masking a greater conspiracy. But evidently this is all symbolic, and is indeed talking of Paul McGann’s tragic death in 1996. Is it possible that the creators of Doctor Who in the 1960s knew the name of the man to die? And that the Beatles took that name and used it ironically because of the similarity with Paul McCartney’s name?
This isn’t as farfetched as it sounds. As the Eighth Doctor says in the TV Movie, “The universe is built on a myriad of coincidences!”, advocating that coincidences like this do happen.
...
(LIVE AND LET DIE, Paul McCartney; Roger Moore starts a year before Tom. Coincidence?)
The previously mentioned Jonathan Morris, who wrote ‘The Tomorrow Windows’, describes that book as his very own Abbey Road. He says that this is because it's an explosion of ideas. But Abbey Road is famous for the Paul McCartney conspiracy – apparently “LM” weeps. Many have thought this was Linda McCartney. No. I will return to this in the future, as we delve back into the series...
The Old Testament Part Two
So the series ploughed on, forever wallowing in its own subtext. The Doctor is supposed to be a mystery, yet he is always plagued by his family. First there was Susan (although ‘Lungbarrow’ later shrouds their relationship in doubt), then – even though the Time Lords were not revealed in full until the end of the 2nd Doctor’s era – we had the Meddling Monk make an appearance too, as a counterpoint to the Doctor and the first indication of “family”.
An early important episode to consider is ‘The Aztecs’. How does this fit into this conspiracy, I hear you cry? You’d be surprised. First of all, the Doctor says that history cannot be rewritten, not a single line. Later stories contradict this, but why? What is it with paradoxes in Doctor Who? Secondly, the Doctor found love in this story – as he later did in The TV Movie, McGann’s first outing as the Doctor (or so we all thought). And thirdly, and tied into this theme, we have the heart.
Hearts – Plural
It has been told many times that the Doctor has two hearts. Does this mean he is capable of more love than others? If so, why is he so alien and usually indifferent or afraid concerning sex?
In The TV Movie, it is shoved down our throats that the Doctor has two hearts. “Two hearts”, many of the nurses say, including Grace. The Doctor later says, “Please, I have two hearts” and “Hearts – plural”.
The Seventh Doctor is shot in the chest, but basically in the region of the heart. Then when someone tries to operate on him, he dies and regenerates. There is still a stethoscope in his heart though, which he pulls out. But his heart itself is later pulled out.
In the book ‘The Adventuress of Henrietta Street’ by Lawrence Miles, part of the BBC EDA (Eighth Doctor Adventures) range, a man named Sabbath performs an operation on the Doctor and removes his heart to save his life. Is Miles providing a deliberate counterpoint to The TV Movie here? His heart has been poisoned and had to be removed.
Previously the Doctor had been travelling in the books with a companion named Samantha Jones. She fell in love with him – could this be the reason for his poisoned heart (this is all metaphorical of course)? Sam was also notable for her pacifistic nature and her hippy ways – a sort of “make love not war”. The Doctor seems to be swung to that viewpoint increasingly during his eighth (and eventually ninth) incarnation, starting to find true love and having compassion for each and every person, which often leads to his downfall. A huge metaphor – love can sometimes blind (‘Seeing I’) our senses and lead us into traps.
They are then joined by Fitz Kreiner. Bizarrely, not only is Fitz from the 60s, the era of hippy love, again reinforcing this subtext, but he’s a great fan of the Beatles! As if that wasn’t suspicious enough, he doesn’t like the solo stuff – in other words, he doesn’t care for what Yoko Ono did for the band. What she did was introduce love for John Lennon – who would later be killed. Paul McCartney of course found love too with his LM (the answer to this lies at the end of this mini-section), though he too is rumoured to be dead...
After ‘The Adventuress of Henrietta Street’, the Doctor keeps remeeting Sabbath and confronting him on his opposing views concerning time. Sabbath says that time must run its course in a straight line and the Doctor argues the case. Consider this is the Doctor based on the killer of Paul McGann, then this makes perfect sense – Sabbath is the original, Paul McGann himself (although the descriptions are obviously different – would they want to give the game away so obviously?), who is arguing that really he should have had a shot at being the Eighth Doctor. “The Doctor”, or McGann’s killer, is arguing that time can change to suit his needs. This predilection of time will become important later on.
Fitz and Anji, the Doctor’s companions at this time, often remark on how up himself Sabbath is and how he really is probably some skinny geek dressed up in important clothes that aren’t his. If we consider this now from the perspective of reversing the roles and Sabbath being McGann’s killer, this makes sense.
Then in ‘Camera Obscura’, the Doctor discovers that his heart – blackened now – has been placed in Sabbath’s body, meaning that they are now connected spiritually. When the Doctor dies, Sabbath dies too. They are linked, and if we keep the angle reversed and assume that the Doctor is now Paul McGann in this argument, his death haunts and kills Sabbath inside. Sabbath eventually gives the Doctor back his heart, which could mean that the killer has come to terms with the death, or is taking over entirely from Paul McGann, depending on your point of view.
And isn’t Sabbath just the most religious name ever? There’s no explanation for it in the books. If Paul McGann was, for all intents and purposes, Jesus, then this is the reason for Sabbath’s seemingly unrelated name.
If we cross over to the audios, we begin with ‘Storm Warning’. Incidentally, since the name of Sabbath’s ship was the Jonah, it is slightly indulgent that the Doctor says in this story, “Now why am I reminded of Jonah in the whale?” when he’s in the R101 airship.
This audio introduces Charley Pollard. There are two important factors to Charley – the first, important one here is that she falls in love with the Doctor, and – would you believe it! – the Doctor falls for her. If Charley represents blindly loving someone despite what they’re capable of, then what about the Doctor this time reciprocating? What could that signify? The answer, I think, lies in the fact that the Doctor doesn’t learn to love her until after – as sick as this sounds – he’s learnt that she’s supposed to be dead. In other words, the Doctor feels love and compassion for someone who has passed on – just as McGann’s killer must be wracked by guilt over killing Paul McGann.
Charley, it must be said, is the antithesis of Paul McGann. She’s alive when she’s supposed to be dead. This causes all sorts of problems with time. However, the Master was supposed to be dead in The TV Movie, and this metaphor of undead killers impacting the Doctor/Paul McGann is somewhat prominent.
The audio where Charley declares her love for the Doctor is ‘Neverland’. Yes, that’s right, another example of the “nothing” metaphor being used here. Non-existence. Death. Shortly after, the Doctor and Charley enter a universe of anti-time – but Charley wasn’t supposed to come, just like the killer wasn’t supposed to be Doctor no. 8. When the Doctor realises Charley has betrayed him, he refuses to believe it, saying “No, Charley wouldn’t do that...”, just as there is no way Paul McGann would have believed, if he had of been told beforehand, just who would end up killing him. When he finally comes to accept that Charley is with him, and she again tries to tell him that she loves him, the Doctor rejects her love – Paul McGann has seen the light. In the afterlife, he’s no doubt realised that he was betrayed...
In the more recent audios, with Charley no longer in sight, the Doctor is accompanied by a girl known as Lucie. Lucie Miller.
That’s right. LM Weeps.
[...now, I never got around to revealing the killer. But... if you understood everything that's been said so far, then it shouldn't be too hard to work out who it is. The Master is, according to lame fan theory, the Doctor's brother. And the Master tries to steal the Doctor's lives in The TV Movie.
In other words, it's Mark McGann. :P
Funnily enough about the Lucie thing, her recent Zygon story has a family member being killed and replaced with a Zygon wearing their skin. Had I bothered to set up this conspiracy as an ongoing tirade of clever-silliness... it would've fit in!]
Paul McGann: The Conspiracy
IS PAUL DEAD???
by Dom Kelly.
Foreword
Is Paul McGann dead?
Some would say, “Of course not, don’t be stupid, never write anything like this again and I’ve booked you in for a lobotomy next week”, others would say, “How could you say that?! You made me think he was dead! You barstard!”, while the rest would likely say, “Paul who?”.
Indeed; Paul who. Paul McGann portrayed the Eighth incarnation of the Doctor, the title character in the popular BBC science fiction show Doctor Who. Or did he? Startling results and patterns have arisen from weighing up all the evidence presented in his numerous adventures, whether in the medium of film, CD, book or comic strip. There are intriguing plot threads picked over with this particular Doctor, which when combined portray a shocking truth that the writers of those media are trying to push through subliminally: Paul McGann is dead.
Yes, this is another “Paul Mc(insert name) is Dead” conspiracy. But unlike the Beatles’ album “clues”, the clues presented in Doctor Who towards Paul McGann’s death are much more revealing and believable. Are you game enough to accept the truth? Or will you cast this conspiracy away in the junk pile of supposedly fake conspiracies? If so, I declare you’re an alien that faked the landing on the moon, shot John F. Kennedy on the grassy knolls... in fact you’re Silver Nemesis.
Paul McGann too had a nemesis. A nemesis closer to home than he would have suspected. Mainly because his nemesis was... no, you’ll find out.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to take you through a journey. This book is like a TARDIS: it’s bigger on the inside than the outside, unless you bought it in hardcopy edition, and it contains many secrets. Many shocking secrets. If word gets around that I wrote this, please protect me. Paul McGann’s killer will do anything to keep this quiet.
So on a journey to unearth the numerous clues and finally reveal the man who killed Paul McGann, we must first dematerialise towards the end of the “classic” series of Doctor Who.
The Old Testament
1989. The McCoy era in particular. After 26 seasons on British television (and other less significant countries’ television), Doctor Who was finally dead and buried. We hadn’t seen the Doctor die, but with the death of the programme, this surely meant the death of the Doctor himself.
But you can’t keep a good man buried. Much like Paul McGann. A side note: both McCoy and McGann have a last name that begins with “Mc”. This may seem like a coincidence, but consider that Paul McCartney too had a last name just like that.
The McCoy Doctor was Doctor No. Seven. Seven, as many might know, is a very magical number. It is associated with many different religions, including Christianity. It is also the number of days in a week, and the McCoy era ironically started with Season 24, which is therefore 24/7. A coincidence? Hardly. The power of the number 7 to do with Christianity is also important that the Doctor has 13 lives – 13 being the superstitious number (and Season 26 is double 13), and Judas betraying Jesus. In this case, there was indeed a Judas that betrayed a Jesus, though this time the Judas did not hang himself, but wore the skin of Paul McGann in a metaphorical-Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The number 7 is also important if you consider that Jesus fed the people with five loaves and seven fish. 5 and 7 are important numbers, because, although John Nathan-Turner (usually known as JNT) was first producer at the end of the 4th Doctor’s reign, the 5th to 7th Doctor’s reigns are the “controversial” period of Doctor Who, with, allegedly, the following: lame companions, badly realised Doctors, terrible scripts and yawn-worthy effects. This is not an argument that is relevant here. But there was one aspect of JNT’s new direction that stayed consistent with his Doctors and annoys many fans to this day: question marks.
The 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th Doctors all have question marks located on their lapels, their jumpers... the 7th Doctor even had a question mark umbrella. In fact, they grew more prominent as time went on. Many are under the impression that this was JNT’s lame attempt at creating mystery in the character of the Doctor, when really all it did was make him into a brand.
But was this the true reason for the question marks?
The question marks were a symbol, yes, but not of the mysteriousness of the character of the Doctor... but of the future event that would lead to Paul McGann’s death.
The classic series of Doctor Who was a prophecy. The Old Testament, if you will.
In Christianity, the Old Testament often foretells a future messiah that would come to save the world. Paul McGann was going to be the Second Coming, the saviour of Doctor Who as a series – but unfortunately, whilst this did happen, he died in the attempt.
The entire series was obviously prophetic. Consider the founder of the series – Sydney Newman. “New man”. A new man took over Paul McGann’s role when he died. Warp the posters for the TV Movie, “time waits for no man”, and you get “Time waits for new man”. No man – the McCoy Doctor, when he was continued in Virgin’s New Adventures, is generally distinguished as the NA Doctor. NA – an acronym which points to the “no man” theory. Consider also the name of the publishers – Virgin. The Virgin Mary, perhaps? The Virgin New Adventures were a continuation of the Seventh, “NA” Doctor, until the time – time waits for no man – when the prophecy of Paul McGann’s death, his death to save us all, would tragically take place. They are, as the first Eighth Doctor printed novel was known, “The Dying Days”.
But let’s go back to the beginning. Back to 1963.
1963 was a momentous year. A meme, a cultural icon, was bubbling beneath the surface. An icon that would shape British culture for generations to come. And it would start in that very year. It would start on the 23rd of November.
But tragedy struck the beginning of Doctor Who, too. The day before the show went to air, on the 22nd of November, the President of the United States of America, John F Kennedy, was assassinated. Popularly known as JFK (JFK, JNT. Coincidence?), his death has been blamed on many. Another conspiracy that is linked indefinitely to Doctor Who. Not only was JFK killed, but his brother was to be shot later down the line as well. Could this have been used as a metaphor for the prophecy of Doctor Who? In the 7th Doctor story ‘Silver Nemesis’, the script informs us that the so-called Silver Nemesis was responsible for the death of JFK. JNT was obviously making a link here. Consider also that an airport was named after JFK after his death – and JNT desired to use aeroplanes in the story ‘Time-Flight’. ‘Time-Flight’ is an episode that contains many secrets too, but I will get to these later. Suffice to say that JNT decided to hint at the truth to the fans with the story ‘Silver Nemesis’... to give an explanation for what was to come later, in 1996, with Paul McGann’s death.
Consider also that, when David Bishop tried an alternate explanation for the death of JFK under the publishing eyes of Virgin, his novel was indeed published but left out of Missing Adventure lists. A rejection of a disciple of Doctor Who who tried to tell a falsehood? A non-believer?
And also rather interestingly, the script that precedes ‘Silver Nemesis’, ‘The Happiness Patrol’, is written by Graeme Curry. Curry is the favourite food of space bum Dave Lister in the series Red Dwarf. In the episode ‘Tikka to Ride’, the Dwarfers go back in time and prevent the assassination of JFK. The result of this action isn’t actually as good as one might think. Could it be that the writers of Red Dwarf, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, had in fact been informed of the truth from fellow sci-fi writers? Perhaps the episode ‘Tikka to Ride’ is in fact intended to continue the metaphor, with the death of Paul McGann being conceived as a good thing in most respects? That had he lived, the world may not be such a wonderful place? This isn’t entirely unbelievable. Steve Lyons, a Doctor Who author, also wrote the Red Dwarf programme guide. And in the Red Dwarf Omnibus book, extra bonus material at the end contains an idea that the writers of Red Dwarf rejected – a comedy series where people travelled in time and space via a police box. Evidently their lives have been touched by the programme. Perhaps ‘Tikka to Ride’ is a reflection of this? So too, it must be said, would be Douglas Adams, who is famous for writing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but is lesser known for his role as script editor on Doctor Who. Intriguingly, his story ‘Shada’ was unfinished and later recreated through audio by Big Finish Productions – and this time starring the Eighth Doctor, the supposed Paul McGann, who like Tom Baker is a Scouser (from Liverpool). Also note that his stint as script editor began with ‘Destiny of the Daleks’, where an exchange between Romana and the Doctor goes something like this: “Romana, you can’t just take someone else’s face”. And yet someone took McGann’s...
A final point, for future discussion: Romana is a derivation of the Romanovs, a Russian royal family who all died of blood problems. Keep that firmly in mind, because the idea of family will become very important later on.
So where does this leave us? Jonathan Morris (who incidentally is a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) may be leaving us a clue in his Eighth Doctor book, ‘The Tomorrow Windows’: he introduces the audience to the idea of a meme, a sort of cultural idea that spreads and grows. Doctor Who itself could be considered such a meme. It is therefore not unreasonable to claim that writers such as Adams, Morris, Grant and Naylor were so firmly entrenched in the British science fiction scene that they too have been touched by the prophecy of Doctor Who.
Doctor Who began with its first story, ‘An Unearthly Child’, the night after JFK’s death. Since audiences were at the time too shocked from his death to really watch the program, the BBC repeated it the following week. Why? Because they had to. Audiences had to watch it. It was absolutely essential.
‘An Unearthly Child’ is the first indication of the prophecy, though it’s quite subtle in the way it presents it. The story is remembered for its first episode mainly, but the rest of the story is more important symbolically: the Doctor, after all, meets cavemen. How interesting, considering that they start in the beginning, with the first signs of man – as the Old Testament does in Genesis. Ian and Barbara play very much the role of Adam and Eve in this story, too – tempted by the Doctor and Susan to learn more about the universe than they thought they ever would need to. And the cavemen themselves bring home a sort of Cain and Abel motif... which will become very important later on in this conspiracy.
But there is something more shocking buried at the heart of this episode: the idea of the junkyard, 76 Totters Lane. This lane would become a very important street name for fans of the series – but so too would Abbey Road for the Beatles fans...
Consider the links between this show and the Beatles. There is the entire Paul McCartney conspiracy, obviously, but legend has it that upon hearing the Doctor Who theme realised by Delia Derbyshire at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, the Beatles paid her a visit. To be influenced by her musically? Possibly. But is it also plausible that they met to find out the prophecy, and became keepers of the flame? Have you ever considered that the Paul McCartney conspiracy may in fact be simply another factor of the Paul McGann conspiracy, and that McCartney isn’t dead, but was used as a metaphor for the man set to die?
The Beatles - Part of the Conspiracy?
Many fans of the Beatles have subscribed to the “Paul McCartney” is dead theory, based on numerous evidence and clues given throughout the albums. Yet is it possible that all of this was indeed a metaphor for the future, far greater death? Did the death of musical genius John Lennon also have something to do with Doctor Who?
It’s entirely possible. As has been cited elsewhere, messages such as “PMDies” and “Turn me on dead man” in the song Revolution 9 (Ninth Doctor?) are perhaps masking a greater conspiracy. But evidently this is all symbolic, and is indeed talking of Paul McGann’s tragic death in 1996. Is it possible that the creators of Doctor Who in the 1960s knew the name of the man to die? And that the Beatles took that name and used it ironically because of the similarity with Paul McCartney’s name?
This isn’t as farfetched as it sounds. As the Eighth Doctor says in the TV Movie, “The universe is built on a myriad of coincidences!”, advocating that coincidences like this do happen.
...
(LIVE AND LET DIE, Paul McCartney; Roger Moore starts a year before Tom. Coincidence?)
The previously mentioned Jonathan Morris, who wrote ‘The Tomorrow Windows’, describes that book as his very own Abbey Road. He says that this is because it's an explosion of ideas. But Abbey Road is famous for the Paul McCartney conspiracy – apparently “LM” weeps. Many have thought this was Linda McCartney. No. I will return to this in the future, as we delve back into the series...
The Old Testament Part Two
So the series ploughed on, forever wallowing in its own subtext. The Doctor is supposed to be a mystery, yet he is always plagued by his family. First there was Susan (although ‘Lungbarrow’ later shrouds their relationship in doubt), then – even though the Time Lords were not revealed in full until the end of the 2nd Doctor’s era – we had the Meddling Monk make an appearance too, as a counterpoint to the Doctor and the first indication of “family”.
An early important episode to consider is ‘The Aztecs’. How does this fit into this conspiracy, I hear you cry? You’d be surprised. First of all, the Doctor says that history cannot be rewritten, not a single line. Later stories contradict this, but why? What is it with paradoxes in Doctor Who? Secondly, the Doctor found love in this story – as he later did in The TV Movie, McGann’s first outing as the Doctor (or so we all thought). And thirdly, and tied into this theme, we have the heart.
Hearts – Plural
It has been told many times that the Doctor has two hearts. Does this mean he is capable of more love than others? If so, why is he so alien and usually indifferent or afraid concerning sex?
In The TV Movie, it is shoved down our throats that the Doctor has two hearts. “Two hearts”, many of the nurses say, including Grace. The Doctor later says, “Please, I have two hearts” and “Hearts – plural”.
The Seventh Doctor is shot in the chest, but basically in the region of the heart. Then when someone tries to operate on him, he dies and regenerates. There is still a stethoscope in his heart though, which he pulls out. But his heart itself is later pulled out.
In the book ‘The Adventuress of Henrietta Street’ by Lawrence Miles, part of the BBC EDA (Eighth Doctor Adventures) range, a man named Sabbath performs an operation on the Doctor and removes his heart to save his life. Is Miles providing a deliberate counterpoint to The TV Movie here? His heart has been poisoned and had to be removed.
Previously the Doctor had been travelling in the books with a companion named Samantha Jones. She fell in love with him – could this be the reason for his poisoned heart (this is all metaphorical of course)? Sam was also notable for her pacifistic nature and her hippy ways – a sort of “make love not war”. The Doctor seems to be swung to that viewpoint increasingly during his eighth (and eventually ninth) incarnation, starting to find true love and having compassion for each and every person, which often leads to his downfall. A huge metaphor – love can sometimes blind (‘Seeing I’) our senses and lead us into traps.
They are then joined by Fitz Kreiner. Bizarrely, not only is Fitz from the 60s, the era of hippy love, again reinforcing this subtext, but he’s a great fan of the Beatles! As if that wasn’t suspicious enough, he doesn’t like the solo stuff – in other words, he doesn’t care for what Yoko Ono did for the band. What she did was introduce love for John Lennon – who would later be killed. Paul McCartney of course found love too with his LM (the answer to this lies at the end of this mini-section), though he too is rumoured to be dead...
After ‘The Adventuress of Henrietta Street’, the Doctor keeps remeeting Sabbath and confronting him on his opposing views concerning time. Sabbath says that time must run its course in a straight line and the Doctor argues the case. Consider this is the Doctor based on the killer of Paul McGann, then this makes perfect sense – Sabbath is the original, Paul McGann himself (although the descriptions are obviously different – would they want to give the game away so obviously?), who is arguing that really he should have had a shot at being the Eighth Doctor. “The Doctor”, or McGann’s killer, is arguing that time can change to suit his needs. This predilection of time will become important later on.
Fitz and Anji, the Doctor’s companions at this time, often remark on how up himself Sabbath is and how he really is probably some skinny geek dressed up in important clothes that aren’t his. If we consider this now from the perspective of reversing the roles and Sabbath being McGann’s killer, this makes sense.
Then in ‘Camera Obscura’, the Doctor discovers that his heart – blackened now – has been placed in Sabbath’s body, meaning that they are now connected spiritually. When the Doctor dies, Sabbath dies too. They are linked, and if we keep the angle reversed and assume that the Doctor is now Paul McGann in this argument, his death haunts and kills Sabbath inside. Sabbath eventually gives the Doctor back his heart, which could mean that the killer has come to terms with the death, or is taking over entirely from Paul McGann, depending on your point of view.
And isn’t Sabbath just the most religious name ever? There’s no explanation for it in the books. If Paul McGann was, for all intents and purposes, Jesus, then this is the reason for Sabbath’s seemingly unrelated name.
If we cross over to the audios, we begin with ‘Storm Warning’. Incidentally, since the name of Sabbath’s ship was the Jonah, it is slightly indulgent that the Doctor says in this story, “Now why am I reminded of Jonah in the whale?” when he’s in the R101 airship.
This audio introduces Charley Pollard. There are two important factors to Charley – the first, important one here is that she falls in love with the Doctor, and – would you believe it! – the Doctor falls for her. If Charley represents blindly loving someone despite what they’re capable of, then what about the Doctor this time reciprocating? What could that signify? The answer, I think, lies in the fact that the Doctor doesn’t learn to love her until after – as sick as this sounds – he’s learnt that she’s supposed to be dead. In other words, the Doctor feels love and compassion for someone who has passed on – just as McGann’s killer must be wracked by guilt over killing Paul McGann.
Charley, it must be said, is the antithesis of Paul McGann. She’s alive when she’s supposed to be dead. This causes all sorts of problems with time. However, the Master was supposed to be dead in The TV Movie, and this metaphor of undead killers impacting the Doctor/Paul McGann is somewhat prominent.
The audio where Charley declares her love for the Doctor is ‘Neverland’. Yes, that’s right, another example of the “nothing” metaphor being used here. Non-existence. Death. Shortly after, the Doctor and Charley enter a universe of anti-time – but Charley wasn’t supposed to come, just like the killer wasn’t supposed to be Doctor no. 8. When the Doctor realises Charley has betrayed him, he refuses to believe it, saying “No, Charley wouldn’t do that...”, just as there is no way Paul McGann would have believed, if he had of been told beforehand, just who would end up killing him. When he finally comes to accept that Charley is with him, and she again tries to tell him that she loves him, the Doctor rejects her love – Paul McGann has seen the light. In the afterlife, he’s no doubt realised that he was betrayed...
In the more recent audios, with Charley no longer in sight, the Doctor is accompanied by a girl known as Lucie. Lucie Miller.
That’s right. LM Weeps.
[...now, I never got around to revealing the killer. But... if you understood everything that's been said so far, then it shouldn't be too hard to work out who it is. The Master is, according to lame fan theory, the Doctor's brother. And the Master tries to steal the Doctor's lives in The TV Movie.
In other words, it's Mark McGann. :P
Funnily enough about the Lucie thing, her recent Zygon story has a family member being killed and replaced with a Zygon wearing their skin. Had I bothered to set up this conspiracy as an ongoing tirade of clever-silliness... it would've fit in!]
Monday, October 20, 2008
Who's Monsters
One of the really darn interesting things about Midnight is that it’s not clear-cut who the monsters are, and the fact is that the monstrous attitudes of the humans actively brings out the worst in the unknown thing sitting in the corner (which isn’t Dizzee Rascal). But then, for a show that’s apparently all about “the monsters”, Doctor Who isn’t as clear-cut as that. It’s hardly Goosebumps.
So regarding the New Series; who are really the monsters of each story? And just how effective are they?
No, you don’t have to answer. I was kinda intending to have a crack it at myself, y’see.
Rose
Monster of the Week: The Autons (and Nestene Consciousness), obviously. They’re secondary to the episode, really, and they’re not even working with anyone, so this isn’t hard.
Effectiveness: They’re deliberately a background threat. In fact, the Doctor himself feels a tad more threatening than they do. And a burping wheelie bin isn’t the scariest of monsters (though it’s very fun!). 7/10
The End of the World
Monster of the Week: Most of the characters in this story are monstrous simply by virtue of practically sipping wine while the world ends. But obviously the real villain here is Cassandra.
Effectiveness: Intriguingly, Cassandra’s just being greedy! Oh, and she’s also human. I mean, a very bouncy-looking human to be fair, but there’s plenty of those in the real world too. She’s an interesting one and looks unique to boot. 9/10
The Unquiet Dead
Monster of the Week: Rose has the wrong end of the moral stick, but really the Gelth are the villains here. And are, unfortunately, more evil than they first appear.
Effectiveness: Possibly better when they were a harmless gas than a harmful one, even if it gave us an explosion. But really they’re there to provide a dilemma for the regulars, if we’re honest. They’re not actually as much the main focus as you’d think. So with that in mind: 7/10
Aliens of London/World War Three
Monster of the Week: I’m tempted to say Jackie, but the answer is obviously the Slitheen. Oh, and politicians as well, at a stretch (of the skin).
Effectiveness: Yes, yes, fart jokes, whatever. Fact is, they’re genuinely interesting and original; clever, flabby, flatulent, and altogether looking like they’re having a bloody good time rather than being actually evil, which is a lot better. Despite the title of the episode, they’re not any old aliens in London. Oh, and they’re a family too. Oh, and they say “bollocks”. They’re just brilliant... but unfortunately issues with the direction dampen them a bit. Ah well. 9/10
Dalek
Monster of the Week: Despite the incredibly specific title, there’s actually a trio of monsters here (not villains, mind), which fluctuate in and out of dangerousness. There’s the Dalek, obviously, but that... not absolves itself, but it makes a good decision; there’s Van Statten, who’s an egomaniacal jerk; and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: The Dalek is spot on; it’s got withering put-downs, it’s got staccato death threats, it’s dangerous and it’s clever and it’s insane. 10/10
Van Statten is fairly generic, if we’re honest; but he’s the kind of generic that works, thankfully. 8/10
The Doctor himself is also frighteningly scary... but thankfully comes round at the end too. 9/10
The Long Game
Monster of the Week: Technically it’s the Jagrafess, but no-one really cares about that, do they? Or the frozen dead, for that matter. Blatantly the villain here is the Editor; a scheming, completely-un-Master-like weirdo played with incredible skill by the ever-awesome Simon Pegg.
Effectiveness: The Editor really is unique; unlike, say, the Headmaster in School Reunion, the Editor has his own bizarre way of communication, including some impressive clicking. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous when I put it like that – just wait til I praise the Master for listening to pop music. Anyway: 10/10
Father’s Day
Monster of the Week: Well, the Reapers, really. Bat-like things that feed on time.
Effectiveness: It’s been said that Paul Cornell can’t do villains well in his stories, and the Reapers are another example of this. Mind you, the Reapers aren’t the point of the episode; they’re just there to add another layer of threat, to make the threat of changed time physical as well as speculative. So to criticise them too much kind of misses the point. 7/10
The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances
Monster of the Week: Jack’s a barstard of a con man, true, but we all know the monster of the piece here – “Are you my mummy?”.
Effectiveness: This was back when monsters-repeating-things didn’t seem like a typical Moffat thing, and the actual question it was asking was disturbing in itself. I remember watching the trailer for The Doctor Dances and Eccleston saying that no force in the world can stop a child wanting to find its mummy. And that’s so true, and so scary. The gas mask doesn’t help, either. Oh yeah, there are some other gas mask people too, but really it’s the kid we remember, isn’t it? 10/10
Boom Town
Monster of the Week: Another moral dilemma story, this one, because technically we have both the Slitheen here – I forget her name, so I’ll just call her Prisoner on Death Row – and the Doctor dabbling in “monstrosity”. Mind you, PODR gets all evil again at the end.
Effectiveness: The sheer concept of this episode is frighteningly excellent, and it’s kind of a disappointment that she’s just evil at the end again. But to be fair, she’s given an excellent send-off, a second chance. Which Eccleston wouldn’t have done earlier in the season, so she lucked out. 9/10
Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways
Monster of the Week: Again, the Daleks... but only in the second episode. Initially, the monsters are mankind themselves, who are playing some pretty nasty games. And Anne Robinson is evil too, but then, we already knew that.
Effectiveness: The Daleks, en masse, don’t seem as interesting as one of their kind did in Dalek, and that’s because... well... for some reason, small numbers of scheming Daleks always seem more interesting than huge dollops of them. And yet... and yet, RTD manages to make them interesting through 1) their newfound anti-Dawkins-ism, and 2) some excellent scenes that show off the kind of heartless fucks they are (Floor Zero, Lynda with a Y... though to be fair, they do kill Anne Robinson). 9/10
The Christmas Invasion
Monster of the Week: The Sycorax, the Pilot Fish, and Harriet Jones, sorta.
Effectiveness: The Sycorax seem to be pretty interesting as an invasion force. For a start, they don’t come out all guns blazing, despite the fact that they clearly could, and it seems they just like dabbling in voodoo and magic. They also bothered to look up who the Prime Minister was before condemning her to death, which is very lovely of them. 9/10
The Pilot Fish are... well, they’re a teensy little threat that no-one gives a crud about. 5/10
New Earth
Monster of the Week: Bizarrely enough, there’s three here, and RTD attempts to give them all equal weight to some extent (well, apart from the fact that Cassandra obviously doesn’t weigh as much as... well, anything else in the episode): Cassandra, returning; some pseudo-zombies; and some cat nurses, which I’ve seen called cat nuns. I assume that’s because of the outfit, but I don’t see any evidence of religious affiliation!
Effectiveness: Baby Egg got her second chance; the Doctor got his second chance to end the Time War; the Doctor got his second chance at living a scar-free life; and now Cassandra, to fit in with that theme, gets hers. Unfortunately that chance is limited to five seconds of telling herself how pretty she is before dying, which still seems fairly shallow if you think abou-yeah I know she’s a trampoline and is automatically shallow, but shutup! 6/10
The zombies are really just there, aren’t they? They lumber along and moan. It’s a pretty unlikely representation of sick people, but then, it’s not the first time Doctor Who’s done this – see Terminus. 4/10
The cat nurses are kinda cool, but their motivation isn’t intriguing enough for me to say anything beyond that. Ah well. 6/10
Tooth and Claw
Monster of the Week: Say one thing about Russell; ask anyone else to write a story about Queen Victoria, a werewolf, and not-bulletproof monks, and they’d go away and leave the monks out because they’d think them silly. In fact, that did happen. And whoever that person was, was wrong! RTD knows that mixes of the weirdest enemies possible is very Doctor Who, regardless of whether they’re scary or not. And that’s twice in a row this has happened, too.
Effectiveness: The Werewolf itself isn’t the most impressive monster if you look at it as being the whole point of the episode, but it’s a pretty good threat if not. In its non-hairy form, too, it’s utterly creepy. 8/10
Meanwhile, bald monks wearing butler suits make for extraordinarily demented foes for the Doctor. They’re just barmy, really, but they’re fun too. 7/10
School Reunion
Monster of the Week: Ah, bugger it. The Krillitane...
Effectiveness: This is the first time we run into an alien race that doesn’t even have the good grace to be interesting. No, wait, hang on, that’s not fair; their backstory, of how they assimilate other species, is interesting. Though I wish we’d had long-necked freaks as foes instead. But they’re the antithesis of the Slitheen; a nice backstory, but ultimately motiveless, and, worse, completely and utterly boring. It’s such a waste. And the Headmaster is no Grayvorn. 2/10
The Girl in the Fireplace
Monster of the Week: Clockwork men!
Effectiveness: Yes, this is great. The fact that they’re not simply trying to kill people is great. But then, no Moffat monsters – barring, erm, the spacesuit-skeletons – do, which is lovely. Anyway, they’re only after one person, which is also very original. And to top it off, they look great, and they respond and react excellently. 10/10
Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel
Monster of the Week: CYBERMEN! Oh, and Tobias Vau-er I mean Davr-oh wait, Roger Lumic. That’s the one. I kinda wish he was named Barty Cybus, mind you.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen here are stonkingly good; they’re not exactly in key with the Cybermen we were introduced to in The Tenth Planet (which were, incidentally, very different to the ones in every other 60s story, no matter what anyone tries to tell you), but then they don’t have to be, because they’re from a parallel world and anyway this is the New Series. As long as they’re good, who cares? And they are. They’re emotionless, disturbing, and powerful. Weak yet strong, all in one package. 10/10
Lumic, on the other hand, is beyond the great!!!!!! That is, he’s terrible. 1/10
The Idiot’s Lantern
Monster of the Week: Maureen Lipman talking on TV like a presenter, and a bunch of faceless people working with her. Like every single news show, then.
Effectiveness: Hunnngrrrry! The Wire is aptly named, because, y’know, it’s the name of a show. Or something. Anyway, Lipman is fun, and it’s a fairly neat – though unexplained – monster. 7/10
The faceless people, on the other hand, don’t have any personality, can you believe it? :-O/10!!
The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit
Monster of the Week: Funnily enough, I always remember the Ood first, which is bizarre considering that Satan himself is the big nasty this time. What is this, Doom? Or, more accurately, Mood?
Effectiveness: The Ood look spectacular and are very awesome in the first episode, and are suitably creepy in the next. It’s a shame the Doctor doesn’t give a toss about them, but ah well. 9/10
Satan is... admittedly unexpected, with the whole mind-and-body are separate thing, but he’s a bit dull, isn’t he? And he gets defeated because he forgets elementary safety procedures when driving. I can’t decide whether that’s hilariously brilliant or mind-boggingly crap. In other words: 5/10
Love & Monsters
Monster of the Week: Four, in a sense. First of all, and most obviously, there’s the Abzorbaloff, a hilariously inept monster that no-one takes seriously (including Russell, folks! That’s the whole point of it!). There’s the Hoix at the start. Then there’s a quick mention of some sort of shadow which ate Elton’s mum, which could well have been the Vashta Nerada (and if the Doctor was there too, it implies that he’s constantly spending his time looking at shadows to determine whether they’re real or not. What a gimp he must look like). Oh, and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: Here’s the thing about the Abzorbaloff; it’s silly. It’s highly idiotic, it has a face on its arse, it has a terrible haircut, a walking cane, and the most unfocused and unstructured plan in Doctor Who history, which basically amounts to, “I want to find the most dangerous man in the cosmos, that guy who wiped out the two most almighty races that ever existed, and, I dunno, challenge him to a fist fight or something”. Which immediately makes it an incredibly brilliant creation. And yet, amazingly enough, even though it’s useless, it’s still capable of killing, and somehow its tearing apart of Elton’s world is far more disturbing and saddening than any other monster killing someone in Series Two so far. 10/10
The Hoix is blatantly there as monster-of-the-week in very postmodern style. And yet manages to be a better design than, say, Lazarus. 8/10
The Vashta Nerada don’t appear in this story. Well, there might be a cameo here or there in one or two scenes (one day I’m going to compile a list of Vashta Nerada cameos in the New Series, just you wait). 0/10
And then there’s the Doctor, who is monstrously callous at points in this story. Love & Monsters is very much both an affirming statement of how wonderful he is, and how heartless and nasty he can be too. It’s Human Nature before that episode aired, in other words. 9/10
Fear Her
Monster of the Week: Some scribbles, and a girl in a bedroom who’s inhaled some freaky substance, dude. And a very, very ANGRY DAD.
Effectiveness: The scribbles are nice to look at. Especially the one that kind of swivels around and tries to attack Rose, obviously furious at its potential to exist, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a shit idea that Chloe threw away. It’s like Ghost Writer, actually. 8/10
I love Chloe Webber! Well, no, I love Regan MacNeil. Now she was good. Webber just isn’t as interesting. Maybe she needed to call the Doctor a faggot more often, or at least masturbate with his sonic screwdriver. 3/10
The very, very ANGRY DAD is actually terrifying, because he’s an abusive father. He obviously comes home every night and gives his family paper cuts, which is beyond terrifying. 9/10
Army of Ghosts/Doomsday
Monster of the Week: They’re not actually ghosts, of course, because an army of them would, y’know... not be able to attack anyone. They are in fact Cybermen. Oh, and there’s Torchwood. Oh yeah, and a couple of Daleks too. Oh, but also millions of Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen have some good lines. But then, when we start rating emotionless monsters on how good their lines are, we know we’ve hit a snag. Bluntly, the Cybermen are really, really boring in this. They are just an army. 3/10
The Daleks have some good lines. The Cult of Skaro is interesting. And then they start shooting, and more arrive, and it gets hideously dull. Y’know, Russell does this a few times; introduce some interesting creatures/soldiers, and then have them start attacking each other, and it all gets dull (see New Earth and Journey’s End). 4/10
Torchwood are also highly interesting in the first episode. And thereafter cannon fodder. Not to mention the fact that they’re also canon fodder, since fans have been arguing about how they fit in to UNIT continuity for a while. Assuming there is a UNIT continuity, which there isn’t. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. They’re progressively lame. 5/10
The Runaway Bride
Monster of the Week: Catherine Tate. I mean... the Racnoss, and its babies. And those dratted Pilot Fish again.
Effectiveness: Santa wasn’t scary the first time, nor was he scary the second. Now if the one in the taxi had invited Donna to sit on its lap, then I would’ve been terrified. As it stands: 3/10
The Racnoss is a rather well-designed monster, but admittedly I can’t remember at all what its plan is. It wants to infect Catherine Tate with something, which I suppose a lot of fans do. 5/10
Smith and Jones
Monster of the Week: Curiously everyone remembers the Judoon from this ep, but obviously it’s actually Grandma Dracula, and her exercise freaks.
Effectiveness: As I said, the Judoon aren’t monsters, they’re just police. But they’re brutal, rely on flimsy forensic evidence, and bugger off when they’re really needed. Nothing like the real police, then. Oh yeah, and they also look like rhinos, which is pretty neat. 8/10
Grandma Dracula’s moved on from cranberry juice to blood, and is now being asked by highwaymen, “Where’s the blood, m’lud?”. And she sucks out blood through a straw. Come on, that’s just ludicrously awesome. 9/10
Burning off calories and helping out octogenarian vampires; such is the life of a biker. I’m glad Doctor Who taught me this valuable fact. 7/10
The Shakespeare Code
Monster of the Week: Three witches – one of them Azazeal’s bitch – and some other witches to come which are all bat-shaped for some reason. They’re called Carrionites too.
Effectiveness: I’ve no idea why they appear to have three forms, though I suppose “magic” is a reasonable answer. The fact that they play on words is a neat little twist. They’re ultimately not that memorable, but they’re adequate for the episode they’re in. 7/10
Gridlock
Monster of the Week: Technically, the Macra.
Effectiveness: And yet, the Macra aren’t the foes, they’re just vultures picking up the scraps. There’s no real villain or monster to this story at all, which is refreshing and excellent... and erm, technically means I should be giving this a 0/10. ...I can’t do it, it’s too good. 10/10!
Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks
Monster of the Week: Some pigs, and some Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Daleks are capable of being interesting here, though they’re nothing special. Still, a valiant attempt. And Dalek Sec – goddammit, I always hit the “x” instead of “c” when I type that. Thanks a lot, Katy Manning – at the very least looks interesting. 8/10
The pigs are... well, pigs. So naturally they’ll succeed in New York. 6/10
The Lazarus Experiment
Monster of the Week: Mark Gatiss... I wish. No, it’s actually a big scorpion.
Effectiveness: I won’t go into the bizarre notion of where the scorpion comes from – which is as bizarre as Greenhorn’s assertion that a clone of the Doctor is his daughter too, so at least he’s consistently bizarre – suffice to say that, apart from a couple of nice scenes when Gatiss is around, the scorpion is utterly dull. 2/10
42
Monster of the Week: “Burn with me”, says the sun. Yes, that’s right. The sun.
Effectiveness: I can’t get over the idea of a malevolent sun; it’d be like if Planet of Evil really was about a planet that had blood dripping from its large fangs and schemed to conquer the universe. 1/10
Human Nature/The Family of Blood
Monster of the Week: The Family... of Blood!!! The long-lost descendants of Grandma Dracula, perhaps? Oh yeah, and war.
Effectiveness: Oops! Another Cornell script, so yet another bunch of not-that-interesting aliens. Even though Harry Lloyd is hilariously awesome. “Go on then, RUUUUN!” But that’s not the point, because even though this means we have the third episode in a row with not-so-great monsters, this is an episode that isn’t just a showcase for its monsters, not at all. 7/10
War! War is bad! And racism. And scarecrows! I forgot about them, they’re also bad. 9/10
Blink
Monster of the Week: Art installations. Sorry, I mean – statues.
Effectiveness: Again, they don’t kill you, they just make sure you don’t live the life you should’ve deserved. Which is kinda scary. They also play the “Where am I?” game with their hands that parents do with their children, which means they’re very patronising to their victims. Excellent all round. 10/10
Utopia
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Futurekind.
Effectiveness: The Master’s not actually in it for much, but fuck, it’s intense watching him. And the fact that he’s taken a sudden interest in drumming just makes him even scarier. 10/10
Chan, the Futurekind can get in, tho! Chan, they’ve got lovely teeth, tho! Chan, but they’re really just in the background, tho. ...No! Heeheeheehee! (That’s a question; does Chantho have to say “chan” and “tho” whenever she coughs, or sneezes, or laughs? Or gasps?) 7/10
The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Toclafane.
Effectiveness: He listens to the Rogue Traders, and then to the Scissor Sisters (and, intriguingly, also suggests that his wife get with a massage woman. He likes his lesbians!), pushing the Doctor around in a wheelchair. He’s nasty and he’s funny, and he kills people out of spite because he’s an insane freak. He’s also by far the most interesting villain a New Series finale has had so far. 10/10
And amazingly, the Toclafane are interesting too, or at least they are when we realise that they’re us. 9/10
Partners in Crime
Monster of the Week: The Supernanny, and fat.
Effectiveness: Supernanny looks cool, and has a screwdriver. It’s almost a surprise that she wasn’t a hit on the Gamestation. 8/10
The Adipose may not be the greatest of designs, but they’re undeniably cute, and it’s not their fault that they’re made from the fat of dead humans. They also exit through catflaps, which begs the riddle, “When is a fat not a fat? ...when it builds its own fatflap!” 8/10
The Fires of Pompeii
Monster of the Week: Okay, let’s see; a psychic Sisterhood, a soothsayer, some rocks, and a volcano. Erm.
Effectiveness: Too many cooks spoil the broth, it’s said, especially when the volcano would be a hell of a cooker. The Sisterhood have eyes on their hands, which is bad for them because drawing on yourself with pen is a no-no – they could poison themselves! The soothsayer is so in tune with fortune telling that his teeth actually look like Stonehenge. And the rocks themselves are firey and stuff. Yep. 7/10 for them all, combined.
Planet of the Ood
Monster of the Week: Not really the Ood, is it? Technically, humans are the villains here! ...but not the ones of our time, oh no. Cos sweatshops are cool, it’s only squid-slave-drivers that are evil.
Effectiveness: The Ood really are brilliant creations, and the humans in this story are suitably nasty to them. Tim McInnerny is also betrayed by his associate and suffers from a premature death. No wait, that’s Blackadder Goes Forth. 9/10
The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky
Monster of the Week: British Sontarans, and an American nerd genius.
Effectiveness: Erm... well, the Sontarans are skulking about in this story for most of it, which is very un-Sontaran. Not the most successful of revivals for an old villain. Although “Sontar-HA!” really is just awesome. 5/10
Luke Rattigan, on the other hand, is like Drax from Moonraker, only he stupidly doesn’t tell his associates that he wants to take them off Earth and screw them until it’s too late. He’s also got a gun, because, you know, even nerds have guns if they’re American. At the end of the story, though, he redeems himself; he picks himself off the street, stops giving guys blowjobs, and goes back to his father’s house. No wait, that’s Wire in the Blood. 8/10
The Doctor’s Daughter
Monster of the Week: Humans with the lifespan of dragonflies, and fish with the lifespan of dragonflies. But no dragonflies.
Effectiveness: The Hath are apparently bred for war, yet are ridiculously peaceful throughout. So apart from their bubble-mouths, they’re a bit shit. 6/10
And the humans are... erm... well, they’re not that interesting either. 4/10
The Unicorn and the Wasp
Monster of the Week: A wasp. But no literal unicorn.
Effectiveness: I like it when the priest is buzzing. I don’t like it when the wasp is buzzing. Because it’s boring. 5/10
Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead
Monster of the Week: The Vashta Nerada – shadows that feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. And also some skeletons in spacesuits.
Effectiveness: The Vashta Nerada are a nice idea, but it was apparently not physical enough for Moffat – even though it plays by the same intriguing rules as the Angels from Blink – and he added some skeletons too, who repeat boring things and actually try to kill people (dammit, you flunked it, Moffat!). Not very interesting at all. 6/10
Midnight
Monster of the Week: Whatever-it-is-that-invades-the-truck, and tourists.
Effectiveness: This really is gripping. Ironically, after a story that reverts to Moffat’s need to give his monsters repetitious catchphrases, RTD writes one about a monster that repeats everything, and pulls it off brilliantly. 10/10
And then there’s the humans themselves, who are all clear-cut. We know these people in the space of five or so minutes, and yet we don’t know the depths they’ll sink to. But, when they do, we believe it. 10/10
Turn Left
Monster of the Week: Well, technically there’s loads of off-screen monsters in this, but really, it’s, um, a beetle on Tate’s back.
Effectiveness: The means to an end, the beetle is just something to drive the story along, like the Reapers were in ‘Father’s Day’. It’s hardly important at all. 7/10
Chan, oh yeah, there’s also a fortune teller, tho. Chan, she’s kinda cool, tho. Chan, but maybe she should do other things with her time, tho. Chan, like play tic tac, tho. 7/10
The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End
Monster of the Week: Daleks. And... DAVROS!
Effectiveness: The Daleks are just hideously dull by this point, I’m afraid. 3/10
Davros, on the other hand, retains some interest. Or at least, he does when he isn’t scheming, and is instead trading verbal debate and arguments with the Doctor, which is always when Davros is at his most interesting, come to think of it. He does however create the shittily named Reality Bomb – but to be fair, like “Dalek”, maybe it means something really cool in Skaroese. 7/10
SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
Well... nothing, I just felt like rating the monsters. Truly I’m a monster for wasting your time.
So regarding the New Series; who are really the monsters of each story? And just how effective are they?
No, you don’t have to answer. I was kinda intending to have a crack it at myself, y’see.
Rose
Monster of the Week: The Autons (and Nestene Consciousness), obviously. They’re secondary to the episode, really, and they’re not even working with anyone, so this isn’t hard.
Effectiveness: They’re deliberately a background threat. In fact, the Doctor himself feels a tad more threatening than they do. And a burping wheelie bin isn’t the scariest of monsters (though it’s very fun!). 7/10
The End of the World
Monster of the Week: Most of the characters in this story are monstrous simply by virtue of practically sipping wine while the world ends. But obviously the real villain here is Cassandra.
Effectiveness: Intriguingly, Cassandra’s just being greedy! Oh, and she’s also human. I mean, a very bouncy-looking human to be fair, but there’s plenty of those in the real world too. She’s an interesting one and looks unique to boot. 9/10
The Unquiet Dead
Monster of the Week: Rose has the wrong end of the moral stick, but really the Gelth are the villains here. And are, unfortunately, more evil than they first appear.
Effectiveness: Possibly better when they were a harmless gas than a harmful one, even if it gave us an explosion. But really they’re there to provide a dilemma for the regulars, if we’re honest. They’re not actually as much the main focus as you’d think. So with that in mind: 7/10
Aliens of London/World War Three
Monster of the Week: I’m tempted to say Jackie, but the answer is obviously the Slitheen. Oh, and politicians as well, at a stretch (of the skin).
Effectiveness: Yes, yes, fart jokes, whatever. Fact is, they’re genuinely interesting and original; clever, flabby, flatulent, and altogether looking like they’re having a bloody good time rather than being actually evil, which is a lot better. Despite the title of the episode, they’re not any old aliens in London. Oh, and they’re a family too. Oh, and they say “bollocks”. They’re just brilliant... but unfortunately issues with the direction dampen them a bit. Ah well. 9/10
Dalek
Monster of the Week: Despite the incredibly specific title, there’s actually a trio of monsters here (not villains, mind), which fluctuate in and out of dangerousness. There’s the Dalek, obviously, but that... not absolves itself, but it makes a good decision; there’s Van Statten, who’s an egomaniacal jerk; and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: The Dalek is spot on; it’s got withering put-downs, it’s got staccato death threats, it’s dangerous and it’s clever and it’s insane. 10/10
Van Statten is fairly generic, if we’re honest; but he’s the kind of generic that works, thankfully. 8/10
The Doctor himself is also frighteningly scary... but thankfully comes round at the end too. 9/10
The Long Game
Monster of the Week: Technically it’s the Jagrafess, but no-one really cares about that, do they? Or the frozen dead, for that matter. Blatantly the villain here is the Editor; a scheming, completely-un-Master-like weirdo played with incredible skill by the ever-awesome Simon Pegg.
Effectiveness: The Editor really is unique; unlike, say, the Headmaster in School Reunion, the Editor has his own bizarre way of communication, including some impressive clicking. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous when I put it like that – just wait til I praise the Master for listening to pop music. Anyway: 10/10
Father’s Day
Monster of the Week: Well, the Reapers, really. Bat-like things that feed on time.
Effectiveness: It’s been said that Paul Cornell can’t do villains well in his stories, and the Reapers are another example of this. Mind you, the Reapers aren’t the point of the episode; they’re just there to add another layer of threat, to make the threat of changed time physical as well as speculative. So to criticise them too much kind of misses the point. 7/10
The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances
Monster of the Week: Jack’s a barstard of a con man, true, but we all know the monster of the piece here – “Are you my mummy?”.
Effectiveness: This was back when monsters-repeating-things didn’t seem like a typical Moffat thing, and the actual question it was asking was disturbing in itself. I remember watching the trailer for The Doctor Dances and Eccleston saying that no force in the world can stop a child wanting to find its mummy. And that’s so true, and so scary. The gas mask doesn’t help, either. Oh yeah, there are some other gas mask people too, but really it’s the kid we remember, isn’t it? 10/10
Boom Town
Monster of the Week: Another moral dilemma story, this one, because technically we have both the Slitheen here – I forget her name, so I’ll just call her Prisoner on Death Row – and the Doctor dabbling in “monstrosity”. Mind you, PODR gets all evil again at the end.
Effectiveness: The sheer concept of this episode is frighteningly excellent, and it’s kind of a disappointment that she’s just evil at the end again. But to be fair, she’s given an excellent send-off, a second chance. Which Eccleston wouldn’t have done earlier in the season, so she lucked out. 9/10
Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways
Monster of the Week: Again, the Daleks... but only in the second episode. Initially, the monsters are mankind themselves, who are playing some pretty nasty games. And Anne Robinson is evil too, but then, we already knew that.
Effectiveness: The Daleks, en masse, don’t seem as interesting as one of their kind did in Dalek, and that’s because... well... for some reason, small numbers of scheming Daleks always seem more interesting than huge dollops of them. And yet... and yet, RTD manages to make them interesting through 1) their newfound anti-Dawkins-ism, and 2) some excellent scenes that show off the kind of heartless fucks they are (Floor Zero, Lynda with a Y... though to be fair, they do kill Anne Robinson). 9/10
The Christmas Invasion
Monster of the Week: The Sycorax, the Pilot Fish, and Harriet Jones, sorta.
Effectiveness: The Sycorax seem to be pretty interesting as an invasion force. For a start, they don’t come out all guns blazing, despite the fact that they clearly could, and it seems they just like dabbling in voodoo and magic. They also bothered to look up who the Prime Minister was before condemning her to death, which is very lovely of them. 9/10
The Pilot Fish are... well, they’re a teensy little threat that no-one gives a crud about. 5/10
New Earth
Monster of the Week: Bizarrely enough, there’s three here, and RTD attempts to give them all equal weight to some extent (well, apart from the fact that Cassandra obviously doesn’t weigh as much as... well, anything else in the episode): Cassandra, returning; some pseudo-zombies; and some cat nurses, which I’ve seen called cat nuns. I assume that’s because of the outfit, but I don’t see any evidence of religious affiliation!
Effectiveness: Baby Egg got her second chance; the Doctor got his second chance to end the Time War; the Doctor got his second chance at living a scar-free life; and now Cassandra, to fit in with that theme, gets hers. Unfortunately that chance is limited to five seconds of telling herself how pretty she is before dying, which still seems fairly shallow if you think abou-yeah I know she’s a trampoline and is automatically shallow, but shutup! 6/10
The zombies are really just there, aren’t they? They lumber along and moan. It’s a pretty unlikely representation of sick people, but then, it’s not the first time Doctor Who’s done this – see Terminus. 4/10
The cat nurses are kinda cool, but their motivation isn’t intriguing enough for me to say anything beyond that. Ah well. 6/10
Tooth and Claw
Monster of the Week: Say one thing about Russell; ask anyone else to write a story about Queen Victoria, a werewolf, and not-bulletproof monks, and they’d go away and leave the monks out because they’d think them silly. In fact, that did happen. And whoever that person was, was wrong! RTD knows that mixes of the weirdest enemies possible is very Doctor Who, regardless of whether they’re scary or not. And that’s twice in a row this has happened, too.
Effectiveness: The Werewolf itself isn’t the most impressive monster if you look at it as being the whole point of the episode, but it’s a pretty good threat if not. In its non-hairy form, too, it’s utterly creepy. 8/10
Meanwhile, bald monks wearing butler suits make for extraordinarily demented foes for the Doctor. They’re just barmy, really, but they’re fun too. 7/10
School Reunion
Monster of the Week: Ah, bugger it. The Krillitane...
Effectiveness: This is the first time we run into an alien race that doesn’t even have the good grace to be interesting. No, wait, hang on, that’s not fair; their backstory, of how they assimilate other species, is interesting. Though I wish we’d had long-necked freaks as foes instead. But they’re the antithesis of the Slitheen; a nice backstory, but ultimately motiveless, and, worse, completely and utterly boring. It’s such a waste. And the Headmaster is no Grayvorn. 2/10
The Girl in the Fireplace
Monster of the Week: Clockwork men!
Effectiveness: Yes, this is great. The fact that they’re not simply trying to kill people is great. But then, no Moffat monsters – barring, erm, the spacesuit-skeletons – do, which is lovely. Anyway, they’re only after one person, which is also very original. And to top it off, they look great, and they respond and react excellently. 10/10
Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel
Monster of the Week: CYBERMEN! Oh, and Tobias Vau-er I mean Davr-oh wait, Roger Lumic. That’s the one. I kinda wish he was named Barty Cybus, mind you.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen here are stonkingly good; they’re not exactly in key with the Cybermen we were introduced to in The Tenth Planet (which were, incidentally, very different to the ones in every other 60s story, no matter what anyone tries to tell you), but then they don’t have to be, because they’re from a parallel world and anyway this is the New Series. As long as they’re good, who cares? And they are. They’re emotionless, disturbing, and powerful. Weak yet strong, all in one package. 10/10
Lumic, on the other hand, is beyond the great!!!!!! That is, he’s terrible. 1/10
The Idiot’s Lantern
Monster of the Week: Maureen Lipman talking on TV like a presenter, and a bunch of faceless people working with her. Like every single news show, then.
Effectiveness: Hunnngrrrry! The Wire is aptly named, because, y’know, it’s the name of a show. Or something. Anyway, Lipman is fun, and it’s a fairly neat – though unexplained – monster. 7/10
The faceless people, on the other hand, don’t have any personality, can you believe it? :-O/10!!
The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit
Monster of the Week: Funnily enough, I always remember the Ood first, which is bizarre considering that Satan himself is the big nasty this time. What is this, Doom? Or, more accurately, Mood?
Effectiveness: The Ood look spectacular and are very awesome in the first episode, and are suitably creepy in the next. It’s a shame the Doctor doesn’t give a toss about them, but ah well. 9/10
Satan is... admittedly unexpected, with the whole mind-and-body are separate thing, but he’s a bit dull, isn’t he? And he gets defeated because he forgets elementary safety procedures when driving. I can’t decide whether that’s hilariously brilliant or mind-boggingly crap. In other words: 5/10
Love & Monsters
Monster of the Week: Four, in a sense. First of all, and most obviously, there’s the Abzorbaloff, a hilariously inept monster that no-one takes seriously (including Russell, folks! That’s the whole point of it!). There’s the Hoix at the start. Then there’s a quick mention of some sort of shadow which ate Elton’s mum, which could well have been the Vashta Nerada (and if the Doctor was there too, it implies that he’s constantly spending his time looking at shadows to determine whether they’re real or not. What a gimp he must look like). Oh, and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: Here’s the thing about the Abzorbaloff; it’s silly. It’s highly idiotic, it has a face on its arse, it has a terrible haircut, a walking cane, and the most unfocused and unstructured plan in Doctor Who history, which basically amounts to, “I want to find the most dangerous man in the cosmos, that guy who wiped out the two most almighty races that ever existed, and, I dunno, challenge him to a fist fight or something”. Which immediately makes it an incredibly brilliant creation. And yet, amazingly enough, even though it’s useless, it’s still capable of killing, and somehow its tearing apart of Elton’s world is far more disturbing and saddening than any other monster killing someone in Series Two so far. 10/10
The Hoix is blatantly there as monster-of-the-week in very postmodern style. And yet manages to be a better design than, say, Lazarus. 8/10
The Vashta Nerada don’t appear in this story. Well, there might be a cameo here or there in one or two scenes (one day I’m going to compile a list of Vashta Nerada cameos in the New Series, just you wait). 0/10
And then there’s the Doctor, who is monstrously callous at points in this story. Love & Monsters is very much both an affirming statement of how wonderful he is, and how heartless and nasty he can be too. It’s Human Nature before that episode aired, in other words. 9/10
Fear Her
Monster of the Week: Some scribbles, and a girl in a bedroom who’s inhaled some freaky substance, dude. And a very, very ANGRY DAD.
Effectiveness: The scribbles are nice to look at. Especially the one that kind of swivels around and tries to attack Rose, obviously furious at its potential to exist, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a shit idea that Chloe threw away. It’s like Ghost Writer, actually. 8/10
I love Chloe Webber! Well, no, I love Regan MacNeil. Now she was good. Webber just isn’t as interesting. Maybe she needed to call the Doctor a faggot more often, or at least masturbate with his sonic screwdriver. 3/10
The very, very ANGRY DAD is actually terrifying, because he’s an abusive father. He obviously comes home every night and gives his family paper cuts, which is beyond terrifying. 9/10
Army of Ghosts/Doomsday
Monster of the Week: They’re not actually ghosts, of course, because an army of them would, y’know... not be able to attack anyone. They are in fact Cybermen. Oh, and there’s Torchwood. Oh yeah, and a couple of Daleks too. Oh, but also millions of Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen have some good lines. But then, when we start rating emotionless monsters on how good their lines are, we know we’ve hit a snag. Bluntly, the Cybermen are really, really boring in this. They are just an army. 3/10
The Daleks have some good lines. The Cult of Skaro is interesting. And then they start shooting, and more arrive, and it gets hideously dull. Y’know, Russell does this a few times; introduce some interesting creatures/soldiers, and then have them start attacking each other, and it all gets dull (see New Earth and Journey’s End). 4/10
Torchwood are also highly interesting in the first episode. And thereafter cannon fodder. Not to mention the fact that they’re also canon fodder, since fans have been arguing about how they fit in to UNIT continuity for a while. Assuming there is a UNIT continuity, which there isn’t. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. They’re progressively lame. 5/10
The Runaway Bride
Monster of the Week: Catherine Tate. I mean... the Racnoss, and its babies. And those dratted Pilot Fish again.
Effectiveness: Santa wasn’t scary the first time, nor was he scary the second. Now if the one in the taxi had invited Donna to sit on its lap, then I would’ve been terrified. As it stands: 3/10
The Racnoss is a rather well-designed monster, but admittedly I can’t remember at all what its plan is. It wants to infect Catherine Tate with something, which I suppose a lot of fans do. 5/10
Smith and Jones
Monster of the Week: Curiously everyone remembers the Judoon from this ep, but obviously it’s actually Grandma Dracula, and her exercise freaks.
Effectiveness: As I said, the Judoon aren’t monsters, they’re just police. But they’re brutal, rely on flimsy forensic evidence, and bugger off when they’re really needed. Nothing like the real police, then. Oh yeah, and they also look like rhinos, which is pretty neat. 8/10
Grandma Dracula’s moved on from cranberry juice to blood, and is now being asked by highwaymen, “Where’s the blood, m’lud?”. And she sucks out blood through a straw. Come on, that’s just ludicrously awesome. 9/10
Burning off calories and helping out octogenarian vampires; such is the life of a biker. I’m glad Doctor Who taught me this valuable fact. 7/10
The Shakespeare Code
Monster of the Week: Three witches – one of them Azazeal’s bitch – and some other witches to come which are all bat-shaped for some reason. They’re called Carrionites too.
Effectiveness: I’ve no idea why they appear to have three forms, though I suppose “magic” is a reasonable answer. The fact that they play on words is a neat little twist. They’re ultimately not that memorable, but they’re adequate for the episode they’re in. 7/10
Gridlock
Monster of the Week: Technically, the Macra.
Effectiveness: And yet, the Macra aren’t the foes, they’re just vultures picking up the scraps. There’s no real villain or monster to this story at all, which is refreshing and excellent... and erm, technically means I should be giving this a 0/10. ...I can’t do it, it’s too good. 10/10!
Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks
Monster of the Week: Some pigs, and some Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Daleks are capable of being interesting here, though they’re nothing special. Still, a valiant attempt. And Dalek Sec – goddammit, I always hit the “x” instead of “c” when I type that. Thanks a lot, Katy Manning – at the very least looks interesting. 8/10
The pigs are... well, pigs. So naturally they’ll succeed in New York. 6/10
The Lazarus Experiment
Monster of the Week: Mark Gatiss... I wish. No, it’s actually a big scorpion.
Effectiveness: I won’t go into the bizarre notion of where the scorpion comes from – which is as bizarre as Greenhorn’s assertion that a clone of the Doctor is his daughter too, so at least he’s consistently bizarre – suffice to say that, apart from a couple of nice scenes when Gatiss is around, the scorpion is utterly dull. 2/10
42
Monster of the Week: “Burn with me”, says the sun. Yes, that’s right. The sun.
Effectiveness: I can’t get over the idea of a malevolent sun; it’d be like if Planet of Evil really was about a planet that had blood dripping from its large fangs and schemed to conquer the universe. 1/10
Human Nature/The Family of Blood
Monster of the Week: The Family... of Blood!!! The long-lost descendants of Grandma Dracula, perhaps? Oh yeah, and war.
Effectiveness: Oops! Another Cornell script, so yet another bunch of not-that-interesting aliens. Even though Harry Lloyd is hilariously awesome. “Go on then, RUUUUN!” But that’s not the point, because even though this means we have the third episode in a row with not-so-great monsters, this is an episode that isn’t just a showcase for its monsters, not at all. 7/10
War! War is bad! And racism. And scarecrows! I forgot about them, they’re also bad. 9/10
Blink
Monster of the Week: Art installations. Sorry, I mean – statues.
Effectiveness: Again, they don’t kill you, they just make sure you don’t live the life you should’ve deserved. Which is kinda scary. They also play the “Where am I?” game with their hands that parents do with their children, which means they’re very patronising to their victims. Excellent all round. 10/10
Utopia
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Futurekind.
Effectiveness: The Master’s not actually in it for much, but fuck, it’s intense watching him. And the fact that he’s taken a sudden interest in drumming just makes him even scarier. 10/10
Chan, the Futurekind can get in, tho! Chan, they’ve got lovely teeth, tho! Chan, but they’re really just in the background, tho. ...No! Heeheeheehee! (That’s a question; does Chantho have to say “chan” and “tho” whenever she coughs, or sneezes, or laughs? Or gasps?) 7/10
The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Toclafane.
Effectiveness: He listens to the Rogue Traders, and then to the Scissor Sisters (and, intriguingly, also suggests that his wife get with a massage woman. He likes his lesbians!), pushing the Doctor around in a wheelchair. He’s nasty and he’s funny, and he kills people out of spite because he’s an insane freak. He’s also by far the most interesting villain a New Series finale has had so far. 10/10
And amazingly, the Toclafane are interesting too, or at least they are when we realise that they’re us. 9/10
Partners in Crime
Monster of the Week: The Supernanny, and fat.
Effectiveness: Supernanny looks cool, and has a screwdriver. It’s almost a surprise that she wasn’t a hit on the Gamestation. 8/10
The Adipose may not be the greatest of designs, but they’re undeniably cute, and it’s not their fault that they’re made from the fat of dead humans. They also exit through catflaps, which begs the riddle, “When is a fat not a fat? ...when it builds its own fatflap!” 8/10
The Fires of Pompeii
Monster of the Week: Okay, let’s see; a psychic Sisterhood, a soothsayer, some rocks, and a volcano. Erm.
Effectiveness: Too many cooks spoil the broth, it’s said, especially when the volcano would be a hell of a cooker. The Sisterhood have eyes on their hands, which is bad for them because drawing on yourself with pen is a no-no – they could poison themselves! The soothsayer is so in tune with fortune telling that his teeth actually look like Stonehenge. And the rocks themselves are firey and stuff. Yep. 7/10 for them all, combined.
Planet of the Ood
Monster of the Week: Not really the Ood, is it? Technically, humans are the villains here! ...but not the ones of our time, oh no. Cos sweatshops are cool, it’s only squid-slave-drivers that are evil.
Effectiveness: The Ood really are brilliant creations, and the humans in this story are suitably nasty to them. Tim McInnerny is also betrayed by his associate and suffers from a premature death. No wait, that’s Blackadder Goes Forth. 9/10
The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky
Monster of the Week: British Sontarans, and an American nerd genius.
Effectiveness: Erm... well, the Sontarans are skulking about in this story for most of it, which is very un-Sontaran. Not the most successful of revivals for an old villain. Although “Sontar-HA!” really is just awesome. 5/10
Luke Rattigan, on the other hand, is like Drax from Moonraker, only he stupidly doesn’t tell his associates that he wants to take them off Earth and screw them until it’s too late. He’s also got a gun, because, you know, even nerds have guns if they’re American. At the end of the story, though, he redeems himself; he picks himself off the street, stops giving guys blowjobs, and goes back to his father’s house. No wait, that’s Wire in the Blood. 8/10
The Doctor’s Daughter
Monster of the Week: Humans with the lifespan of dragonflies, and fish with the lifespan of dragonflies. But no dragonflies.
Effectiveness: The Hath are apparently bred for war, yet are ridiculously peaceful throughout. So apart from their bubble-mouths, they’re a bit shit. 6/10
And the humans are... erm... well, they’re not that interesting either. 4/10
The Unicorn and the Wasp
Monster of the Week: A wasp. But no literal unicorn.
Effectiveness: I like it when the priest is buzzing. I don’t like it when the wasp is buzzing. Because it’s boring. 5/10
Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead
Monster of the Week: The Vashta Nerada – shadows that feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. And also some skeletons in spacesuits.
Effectiveness: The Vashta Nerada are a nice idea, but it was apparently not physical enough for Moffat – even though it plays by the same intriguing rules as the Angels from Blink – and he added some skeletons too, who repeat boring things and actually try to kill people (dammit, you flunked it, Moffat!). Not very interesting at all. 6/10
Midnight
Monster of the Week: Whatever-it-is-that-invades-the-truck, and tourists.
Effectiveness: This really is gripping. Ironically, after a story that reverts to Moffat’s need to give his monsters repetitious catchphrases, RTD writes one about a monster that repeats everything, and pulls it off brilliantly. 10/10
And then there’s the humans themselves, who are all clear-cut. We know these people in the space of five or so minutes, and yet we don’t know the depths they’ll sink to. But, when they do, we believe it. 10/10
Turn Left
Monster of the Week: Well, technically there’s loads of off-screen monsters in this, but really, it’s, um, a beetle on Tate’s back.
Effectiveness: The means to an end, the beetle is just something to drive the story along, like the Reapers were in ‘Father’s Day’. It’s hardly important at all. 7/10
Chan, oh yeah, there’s also a fortune teller, tho. Chan, she’s kinda cool, tho. Chan, but maybe she should do other things with her time, tho. Chan, like play tic tac, tho. 7/10
The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End
Monster of the Week: Daleks. And... DAVROS!
Effectiveness: The Daleks are just hideously dull by this point, I’m afraid. 3/10
Davros, on the other hand, retains some interest. Or at least, he does when he isn’t scheming, and is instead trading verbal debate and arguments with the Doctor, which is always when Davros is at his most interesting, come to think of it. He does however create the shittily named Reality Bomb – but to be fair, like “Dalek”, maybe it means something really cool in Skaroese. 7/10
SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
Well... nothing, I just felt like rating the monsters. Truly I’m a monster for wasting your time.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Torchwood Series Two
In Dead Man Walking, there’s a moment where they believe Owen could be draining the life force of Jack. But no! It’s revealed to be something to do with Death himself. Er.
Question: why didn’t they go with the Jack/Owen route (no, that doesn’t denote slash)? It would’ve made a good contrast, it would’ve made character interactions the key as opposed to CGI skeleton fighting, and, well... I dunno, just the idea of Jack having to decide whether to keep Owen alive and risk killing himself (cos surely it’d be a massive drain of his life force, like Abaddon was) would’ve been more interesting. And by the time of Exit Wounds, it could’ve been possible that Owen’s continued existence had finally left Jack unable to die and come back to life, so Grey buries him – and then Owen dies forever, and Jack comes back.
I dunno, it just seems more captivating if it’d been a more intrinsically character-based thing rather than about a monster that I’ve taken the most seriously when reading Discworld.
Question: why didn’t they go with the Jack/Owen route (no, that doesn’t denote slash)? It would’ve made a good contrast, it would’ve made character interactions the key as opposed to CGI skeleton fighting, and, well... I dunno, just the idea of Jack having to decide whether to keep Owen alive and risk killing himself (cos surely it’d be a massive drain of his life force, like Abaddon was) would’ve been more interesting. And by the time of Exit Wounds, it could’ve been possible that Owen’s continued existence had finally left Jack unable to die and come back to life, so Grey buries him – and then Owen dies forever, and Jack comes back.
I dunno, it just seems more captivating if it’d been a more intrinsically character-based thing rather than about a monster that I’ve taken the most seriously when reading Discworld.
It's back - and about time!
Not much to say, except for that yes, I decided to bring this back. No reviews this time, just snippets of things I've been thinking.
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