...IS the Doctor!

The most astonishing thing about Doctor Who fandom – apart from its ability to match Brian Blessed in the OTT stakes – is the utter diversity of opinion out there. It’s astonishing enough that few stories are revered widely – and even then, there’ll still be a lot of people who don’t like them.

So when you get fans together to come up with their picks for who’ll be the Eleventh Doctor, the results are ridiculously varied. In a good way, I mean! But it’s astonishing; with, say, a new Bond, you’d get loads of people suggesting “Bondian” actors, and maybe a in-fight here and there about whether Bond should be blonde.

Even though the phrase “Doctorish” exists in Doctor Who fandom... I mean, not only is it a word ignored by loads of fans as being a pointless criteria – particularly in the wake of Eccleston – it’s also a word that means different things. For some it means “generic Victoriana”, for some it means “as fucking mad as Tom Baker was”, for some it means “not silly, has gravitas”, blah, blah, blah.

And so the list that Doctor Who fans would come up with are inevitably insane – talk show hosts, non-actors. It’s astonishing enough that women are considered for the role (well, by fandom; I’m not sure if a production team has ever seriously done so, unless Big Finish counts)!

I went scouring through Outpost Gallifrey to compile a list of names (yes, I’m sad. I’m a Doctor Who fan, what do you expect?), and got... too many. Far too many. I can’t be bothered looking them all up. When it gets to the point that all the names blur into each other, and you end up researching some mid-40s bloke from Brisbane who once played Hitchcock on stage but is slyly hinting he went to a Doctor Who audition... I mean, really.

So instead of commenting on everyone, like I so wanted to; I’m going to just randomly group names together.

First group:

THE ONES WITH GREAT NAMES

I’ve no idea if a lot of these should be a potential Doctor, but the following are brilliant names:

Callum Blue
Benedict Cumberbatch
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Ioan Gruffydd
Haydn Gwynne
Jimmi Harkishin
Dervla Kirwan
Karolina Kurkova
Art Malik
Colm Meany
Ardal O’Hanlon
Peter Outerbridge
David Oyelowo
Ed Tudor Pole
Robert Popper
Zachary Quinto
Sendhil Ramamurthy
Ramon Tikarum
Pip Torrens

Out of those, O’Hanlon and Ejiofor are the only ones I know quite a bit about; and Art Malik was in ‘The Skull of Sobek’. That’s all I know about him.

Imagine being called “Colm Meany” though. I love it, I really do.

THE ONES THAT SEEM A BIT TOO SHOWBIZ/LEGENDARY

The following actors seem like nice – and are often highly obvious – ideas, but... they’re almost too obvious. They’re too established. Half of them are British National Treasures, practically.

Rowan Atkinson
Far too iconic.

Bill Bailey
The half-troll’s* a distinctive enough bugger anyway, but particularly in the wake of Black Books... nah.

*He called himself that. Calm down.

David Beckham
*chokes* Anyway, even if this was a serious suggestion, “Reverse the polarity like Beckham” doesn’t have the same ring, does it?

David Bowie
Obviously the guy can act, and obviously the guy’s so eccentric that playing aliens comes naturally to him. But come on. He’s David Bowie! At least with Billie Piper, barely anyone outside of the UK even remembered her, and she had all that time to grow up.

John Cleese
Far, far, FAR too iconic.

Martin Clunes
Which is funny, considering it’s very, very hard to watch ‘Snakedance’ now without feeling like it’s some industry injoke, like the previous fella’s appearance in ‘City of Death’. I feel I could make some joke linking ‘Snakedance’ and Monty Python, but that would be me behaving badly.

Sasha Baron Cohen
...admittedly, we’d have no idea how he would play it. His two standout roles have been nothing like him, as opposed to, say, Basil Fawlty, at the very least, resembling Cleese. Possibly the best suggestion out of this group so far, but still, for some reason...

Billy Connolly
It’s a funny idea.

Alan Davies
I really like Jonathan Creek, quite a lot. I think Davies is brilliant in it. But with respect, that sort of is his Doctorish role, right there. I couldn’t see him doing anything different, and that’d annoy me.

Noel Fielding
Erm...

Martin Freeman
This is the second best suggestion so far, after Sasha Baron Cohen (oh god, did I really just say that?). Cos, you know, Freeman can act. But somehow him being Arthur Dent would make it seem really weird for him to be the Doctor, too.

Nick Frost
Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fan that I am... just no.

Mark Gatiss
It’s a shame, but there you go. Admittedly The League of Gentlemen STILL isn’t in the public eye in the way that Little Britain is, and Catherine Tate managed to be in the series, but... but Gatiss just seems too obvious now, I’m afraid. Never mind that he’s already been in the series.

Ricky Gervais
I’m pretty sure Gervais only knows how to act comedy (not that acting comedy is easy, mind you), but I could be wrong. I don’t despise the idea anywhere near as much as some do, but it’s not something that appeals in the slightest, I’m afraid.

Hugh Grant
Hard to articulate this, but... you know how the Doctor (supposedly) has to be a British character? Hugh Grant is, in fact, too British. He also appears to be too human. I couldn’t for a second imagine him playing an alien, he’d be less believable than Pertwee. I’ve nothing against his looks though, that’s a stupid reason to not cast him.

Richard E Grant
I see no real problem with this, even though ‘Scream of the Shalka’ wasn’t the most interesting thing ever (on the other hand, it’s possibly a better window for alt-universe fanfics than even Cushing. Gotta respect it on that level). He’s done it twice now, in fact! Maybe three is just far too many. Oh, and I must admit that I wouldn’t find him captivating unless he was in his “nasty, swearing” persona, which even the ‘Shalka’ Doctor didn’t even get to (though it tried, valiantly). A nice E Grant is a boring E Grant.

Rupert Grint
I’m certain that Rupert in particular could have some sort of a career post-Harry Potter that’d, you know, at least quell the whole Harry Potter thing... but c’mon, I’ve mentioned Harry Potter twice in the last sentence. That’s all you need to know.

(Although funnily enough, in 2006 I was half-serious about the idea of him playing the role whilst wearing his rather horrible dress-robes from the Yule Ball. It’d be a laugh, anyway)

Anthony Head
Never mind that he’s been in ‘School Reunion’ – the true problem is Buffy. And then Little Britain. I don’t know. It’s like James Marsters in Torchwood – he may be good as John Hart, but deep down we all can’t not think of him as Spike.

(I’ll be interested if this still happens when Dragonball comes out. Oh god, Dragonball. Oh god)

Liz Hurley
Errrrr... only if it was like Austin Powers, and her companion was a sex-obsessed relic from the 60s who outstayed his welcome. No, wait on. We already had Fitz.

Derek Jacobi
One of the legion of “far too iconic old British legends”, along with Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee. Never mind that he was already the Master. In fact, him only-being-the-Master-for-such-a-short-time is in itself indicative of why a long-term casting wouldn’t work.

Hugh Laurie
House; Blackadder; Fry and Laurie. We know it won’t work.

(Incidentally, I already forgot Stephen Fry. Oh well. Obviously not him either)

Christopher Lee
*sigh*

Matt Lucas
Not at all appropriate. Even though, unlike David Walliams, he is capable of acting in more than two ways.

Joanna Lumley
Personally I’m still astonished that she was in Sapphire and Steel. But yes – I love Lumley to pieces, mainly due to her appearance, but no. No.

Rik Mayall
And Ade Edmonson for that matter. Great to see them with new roles in Jonathan Creek. In Doctor Who? Maybe, but not as the lead.

Matthew McFayden
I’m sufficiently more impressed after watching Spooks with McFayden, but he faces the same problem that Hugh Grant does; he’s just too British. I mean, he was Darcy, for god’s sake. Unfortunate, but there you are.

Dylan Moran
Let’s just put a blanket ban on comedians, shall we? Just because Pertwee got in, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to throw any old comedian into the mix.

Morrissey
Well, he’s bizarre enough. Again, ala Bowie; he’s Morrissey.

Simon Pegg
Apparently Pegg said he wouldn’t accept the role if it was offered to him, because he’d probably fuck it up. This seems a bit harsh on himself, but it’s not that, so much as... unless there’s a massive hidden depth we haven’t seen yet, I don’t think I’d be able to see him as anything but a loser. I love him for it, but...

...actually, there is Hot Fuzz. But he’s a ridiculous hard man in that, it’s like the complete opposite extreme.

Billie Piper
This’d be really rather hilarious, and yet I honestly could see the show getting away with it. It’s either wonderful or disturbing, but there it is; one of the best “female Doctor” suggestions I’ve heard, even if I don’t personally think it should happen.

Amanda Redman
Now that would do weird things to At Home with the Braithwaithes. The series might as well be called “The Two Doctors (and Family)” instead. Redman doesn’t seem too iconic, but unless the series radically changed itself, I don’t see how it’d work. She’s too normal and motherly. Even Lumley would make far more sense.

Though speaking of Braithwaithes, wouldn’t Sarah Smart be genuinely brilliant? She’s perfectly capable of being attractive and pulling off bizarre body language.

Alan Rickman
He’s Alan Rickman.

Geoffrey Rush
Not a British national treasure, but... he’s Geoffrey Rush!

Andrew Sachs
Well, he’s obviously too old anyway.

Jennifer Saunders
No thanks. If we have to go Ab Fab, Lumley or Sawahla, please. Not Saunders.

Alexei Sayle
Again, no thanks. Though I do like his DJ in ‘Revelation’!

Patrick Stewart
Hahahahaa... oh wait, you’re serious?

Catherine Tate
HAHAAHAHAHAHA... etc.

David Walliams
You know that “character” Walliams plays in Little Britain, who vomits at the first sign of racism? I’m imagining a similar reaction occurring if he’s announced as the Doctor.

THE UTTERLY INSANE SUGGESTIONS

No, really; Morrissey isn’t that insane a suggestion. Let’s see the other lunatic names that Doctor Who fans have jokingly – and, disturbingly, not jokingly – pulled out of their hats:

Frances Barber
In full-on disturbingly-sexy outfit, please.

Brian Blessed
“PERI, IF WE SNEAK UP ON THESE DALEKS FROM BEHIND, MAYBE THEY WON’T SEE US!” “EXTERMINATE!” “NO NEED TO SHOUT!!!!”

Tony Coburn
I’d suggest checking this guy out on Youtube; he does killingly accurate impressions of Tennant’s Doctor. And his sketches are actually quite funny, too. Obviously he shouldn’t be cast on that basis, but man... if they ever find themselves in another ‘Five Doctors’-like situation, with Tennant unavailable, Coburn would be great. Or maybe he could be a fake 10th, like David Morrissey is a fake? That’d be a great episode too.

Judie Dench
... :)

Doctor Dre
So when the 12th Doctor’s cast, will he be in a multi-Doctor special called ‘D12’?

(Yeah, I know he wasn’t in D12, he just collaborated with them at one stage. But I couldn’t let that horrible joke past)

Zac Efron
HAHAHAHAHAHA, OH MY GOD. ‘Gallifrey Academy Musical’, by Gary Russell. It’s got to happen.

Whoopie Goldberg
So let’s see... she’s been suggested as Jonathan Creek, and now as the Doctor (albeit by a fan in the latter case). Let’s make her Sherlock Holmes too! And James Bond! Hell, let’s make her planet Earth itself!

No wait, that’s been done.

David Gulpilil
There’s nothing wrong with this choice; in fact, I’ve now got this mental image of a cross between Rabbit-Proof Fence (with his amazing tracking abilities – “Dalek come this way”) and Australia (standing on a mountain, muttering and seemingly casting spells. And appearing mysteriously to guide people. Actually he did that in The Last Wave too, didn’t he?). But it’s just so utterly bizarre, mainly because it’d never happen.

Stephen Hawking
...Newstopia already used the DalekHawking idea, so I won’t go there. Admittedly Hawking would be great company, but it’d be bizarre seeing him as the Doctor. Still... I’d kill to have him if the alternative was, say, Richard Dawkins.

Samuel L Jackson
Peri: “Doctor, the faucet in the shower isn’t working!”

Doctor: “Faucet? FAUCET? ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER... DO YOU SPEAK IT?”

Ron Jeremy
HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA, YESSSSS!!! If his companion somehow happens to be 70s-Cynthia Myers, it’d be even more amazing.

David Knijenburg
Fair play to the guy, I’d like to see his Hitchcock, but... dude. The whole article, suggesting that this Australian actor that barely anyone Australian on Outpost Gallifrey had even heard of would become the next Doctor... oh, hysterical.

Jude Law
Uhhhh...

John Lithgow
Weeeelll...

Paul McGann
...this is mainly being suggested because “he didn’t get a fair crack of the whip”, which annoys me, because it assumes McGann has only been associated with the series once. He’s not exactly the George Lazenby of Doctor Who, y’know. But really, I mean... no.

James Nesbitt
...okay, I’m being mean. I’m such a colm meany.

Barack Obama
No, I’m not kidding. Someone replied saying that McCain would be a better choice, considering he has more free time now. :P

Sarah Palin
NO, I’M NOT KIDDING. Though obviously they were.

Keanu Reeves
Hahaahahaa. Oh boy.

Sparacus
If you don’t know him, you don’t want to. If you do, I said everything I needed to about this when I said “Sparacus”.

Ringo Starr
It seems ridiculous, but you never know. Considering the Doctor randomly appears out of the vortex, Ringo Starr very well could play him; he was constantly out of time.

The Stig
So we go from “GEAR” to Top Gear.

Mark Strickson
I’m not sure why this amuses the hell out of me... it just does! Especially if he still had to wear that fucking schoolboy outfit.

David Tennant
What, this git as the Doctor? T’would never work.

Renee Zellwegger
*eyes boggle*

And, finally...

THE TOP 8 SUGGESTIONS

You know, the ones I’d actually like to see.

8. Chiwetel Ejiofor
It’s not just because of his brilliant name, either. I admittedly haven’t actually seen this guy in anything, and I certainly hadn’t heard of him before all the Eleventh Doctor speculation, but... but his resume really is very impressive, and he seems a very versatile guy.

The fact that I haven’t seen him at all, yet still think he’d be great, speaks volumes, really.

(About my insanity as much as his suitability)

7. Timothy Dalton
Normally I’d draw the line at Bonds being Doctors, but... Dalton’s nowhere near as iconic as Connery or Moore, and he’s not in the public consciousness like Craig. And unlike Lazenby, he’s a highly-accomplished actor (no offence to Lazenby meant!) who, of course, was recently in Hot Fuzz, being absolutely brilliant (and, crucially, unBondian).

...or maybe, this is purely because I want to hear him say “BLOODY”. “Where’s my bloody sonic, Rose?” Yeah, I like the sound of that.

6. Robson Green
Used to be my no.2 choice – back when I, erm, couldn’t really picture anyone but my 2 choices playing the part (I didn’t know that many candidates, really). Inevitably, I don’t think I’d ever find him as brilliant as the Doctor as in Wire in the Blood... and oh yeah, it’s rumoured that he apparently dislikes the show anyway. *shrug*

The other problem is... well, the idea appeals to me because I like the idea of a near-emotionless, disturbingly-alien, completely-amoral Doctor. So much so, that I wrote a fanfic a while ago – and I don’t often write fanfic (I never post them, either!) – with him as an 11th Doctor. He was a psychological Doctor, taking apart the villains through words, then giving them a chance to redeem themselves. If not, bang. Goodbye!

Obviously though, this is a horrible idea for the lead character. Even in my fanfic, I compensated by making it a multi-Doctor story, and seeing this amoral 11th Doctor through a 12th Doctor’s eyes!

5. David Wenham
I laughed at the idea of an Australian before, and y’know, most Australian actors would feel just wrong. And I am Australian. But surprisingly, Wenham isn’t actually a bad idea. He’s got the Lord of the Rings role – and now Australia – to give him a near-star rating, and yet he’s not so ingrained into the publics’ minds – other than Australians who grew up on Seachange, naturally – that it’d work against him.

I’m certain he could put on a British accent too. But actually... I just then had the idea of him being a future Master, in the same vein as his performance in Australia. There’s something hilariously spooky about a villain who says, “Yeah, I think I might just kill you... yeah...”

(That will mean nothing if you haven’t seen Australia)

4. Mos Def
He’s a great musician, and he can act. Better yet, he can act alien – Hitchhiker’s proved this. There’s really nothing silly about this idea at all.

3. Keeley Hawes
I’m not entirely sold on the “female Doctor” idea, and for one key reason; I don’t think we’re (sadly) at a point where it wouldn’t matter. I mean, say if Paterson Joseph is cast – there’ll be a big brouhaha in the papers about him being the first black Doctor, but in the actual series? Especially considering the (assumedly) lack of companion at the time, there’s no reason why he couldn’t just wake up, now black, and there’d be no comment on it. Why would there be?

But being a woman... hmmm, now that’s a harder issue to skirt around (no pun intended). You’ve either got the Lumley route – ironically, written by Moffat – or you can ignore it altogether. But ignoring it altogether is rather too bizarre, even for a Time Lord.

(Also, would his enemy be The Mistress to compensate? That’d be kinda cool, actually)

And yet, if any actress can do the whole, “Whoa! I’m a woman!” thing, pull it off without it feeling smug, and then go about as if it doesn’t matter in the slightest... it’s Keeley Hawes. She’s certainly attractive and young enough to be appealing, but she’s also ever so slightly weird without being forcibly so. She’d get away with it; five minutes into the episode, you’d actually forget that the Doctor wasn’t a woman before.

I’m thinking Hawes being more like she is in Tipping the Velvet rather than Spooks, naturally. That level of slight eccentricity.

(Er, maybe it also helps that she dresses as a man in TtV? Hmm...!)

2. Paterson Joseph
This seems pretty much confirmed now. Like most of the rest of the list, I’d never heard of Joseph before the speculation (I wasn’t a part of DW fandom much until Tennant was firmly established, at the very least). I’d never seen or heard of Neverwhere. In fact, it took me a while to realise, when I started noticing his name being mentioned, that I’d actually already seen him twice before; once, in ‘Bad Wolf’ (he’s brilliant in that), and in The Beach. I went looking for the latter for a rewatch but can’t find it. Damn.

Apparently his performance in Neverwhere is what made fans start suggesting him from as early as the mid-90s; I’m determined to watch it, but you know what? Even without that, I’m convinced. There’s something about him, there really is. I watched an interview with him at the very least, and he’s fascinating; he manages to talk at length about his character in Survivors without being boring about it, which is a surprisingly rare thing in actors (my no.1 hasn’t been able to do that!). He’d be great on Confidential. And perplexingly, he actually appears to really like sci-fi, which is amazing considering his build and appearance.

Oh yes, and though I recognise that Tennant’s geekily sexy... Joseph actually is seductive-looking. Were he cast, I’d probably develop a mancrush on him.

But seriously though; the best thing about him, for me, is that, were he cast, I wouldn’t be disappointed that my no.1 wasn’t. Which is not the case with any other name I’ve seen suggested.

1. Robert Carlyle
Well, it has to be, doesn’t it? :P

Especially now that he seems to be open about the idea; back when I saw an interview for 28 Weeks Later and it was mentioned, I was horribly disappointed – though not too surprised, I must admit – that he said, with a slight bit of “er, no!” in his voice, “It’s not really on my radar.” According to a new mini-interview, though, he was really only being diplomatic because he didn’t want to step on another actor’s shoes... and he’d definitely consider it, if called.

This is incredibly exciting. It’s also pretty much perfectly timed; from what I’ve read (though I’m buggered if I remember where), Carlyle’s taking a break from his big-movie-careering anyway because he wants to spend time in the UK again, near his family. Admittedly, Cardiff is hardly Scotland, but it’s close enough that it still fits in with his apparent plans. God, it’s practically perfect.

And of course, he happens to be – along with Eccleston, and Ewan McGregor (though the latter is the most recognised, I’d say) – among the 90s British talent that emerged. All were, of course, in Danny Boyle movies! Some have suggested that Carlyle is too high-profile to be cast, but if Eccleston got in, there’s no reason why Carlyle couldn’t. He’s a name without being too big a name, and he’s a great British actor without being a national treasure (i.e. his performances aren’t self-indulgent :P).

And he could do anything. I’ve no idea what Joseph has up his sleeve, of course, but we’ve absolutely no idea what Carlyle could achieve with the role. And that, in itself, is the most exciting thing of all.

EDIT FROM 2014 ME WHO IS DISGUSTED AT HIMSELF: have removed some gross/problematic commentary from this. also lol @ the bit where Paterson Joseph is supposedly practically confirmed