Who's Monsters

One of the really darn interesting things about Midnight is that it’s not clear-cut who the monsters are, and the fact is that the monstrous attitudes of the humans actively brings out the worst in the unknown thing sitting in the corner (which isn’t Dizzee Rascal). But then, for a show that’s apparently all about “the monsters”, Doctor Who isn’t as clear-cut as that. It’s hardly Goosebumps.

So regarding the New Series; who are really the monsters of each story? And just how effective are they?

No, you don’t have to answer. I was kinda intending to have a crack it at myself, y’see.

Rose
Monster of the Week: The Autons (and Nestene Consciousness), obviously. They’re secondary to the episode, really, and they’re not even working with anyone, so this isn’t hard.
Effectiveness: They’re deliberately a background threat. In fact, the Doctor himself feels a tad more threatening than they do. And a burping wheelie bin isn’t the scariest of monsters (though it’s very fun!). 7/10

The End of the World
Monster of the Week: Most of the characters in this story are monstrous simply by virtue of practically sipping wine while the world ends. But obviously the real villain here is Cassandra.
Effectiveness: Intriguingly, Cassandra’s just being greedy! Oh, and she’s also human. I mean, a very bouncy-looking human to be fair, but there’s plenty of those in the real world too. She’s an interesting one and looks unique to boot. 9/10

The Unquiet Dead
Monster of the Week: Rose has the wrong end of the moral stick, but really the Gelth are the villains here. And are, unfortunately, more evil than they first appear.
Effectiveness: Possibly better when they were a harmless gas than a harmful one, even if it gave us an explosion. But really they’re there to provide a dilemma for the regulars, if we’re honest. They’re not actually as much the main focus as you’d think. So with that in mind: 7/10

Aliens of London/World War Three
Monster of the Week: I’m tempted to say Jackie, but the answer is obviously the Slitheen. Oh, and politicians as well, at a stretch (of the skin).
Effectiveness: Yes, yes, fart jokes, whatever. Fact is, they’re genuinely interesting and original; clever, flabby, flatulent, and altogether looking like they’re having a bloody good time rather than being actually evil, which is a lot better. Despite the title of the episode, they’re not any old aliens in London. Oh, and they’re a family too. Oh, and they say “bollocks”. They’re just brilliant... but unfortunately issues with the direction dampen them a bit. Ah well. 9/10

Dalek
Monster of the Week: Despite the incredibly specific title, there’s actually a trio of monsters here (not villains, mind), which fluctuate in and out of dangerousness. There’s the Dalek, obviously, but that... not absolves itself, but it makes a good decision; there’s Van Statten, who’s an egomaniacal jerk; and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: The Dalek is spot on; it’s got withering put-downs, it’s got staccato death threats, it’s dangerous and it’s clever and it’s insane. 10/10
Van Statten is fairly generic, if we’re honest; but he’s the kind of generic that works, thankfully. 8/10
The Doctor himself is also frighteningly scary... but thankfully comes round at the end too. 9/10

The Long Game
Monster of the Week: Technically it’s the Jagrafess, but no-one really cares about that, do they? Or the frozen dead, for that matter. Blatantly the villain here is the Editor; a scheming, completely-un-Master-like weirdo played with incredible skill by the ever-awesome Simon Pegg.
Effectiveness: The Editor really is unique; unlike, say, the Headmaster in School Reunion, the Editor has his own bizarre way of communication, including some impressive clicking. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous when I put it like that – just wait til I praise the Master for listening to pop music. Anyway: 10/10

Father’s Day
Monster of the Week: Well, the Reapers, really. Bat-like things that feed on time.
Effectiveness: It’s been said that Paul Cornell can’t do villains well in his stories, and the Reapers are another example of this. Mind you, the Reapers aren’t the point of the episode; they’re just there to add another layer of threat, to make the threat of changed time physical as well as speculative. So to criticise them too much kind of misses the point. 7/10

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances
Monster of the Week: Jack’s a barstard of a con man, true, but we all know the monster of the piece here – “Are you my mummy?”.
Effectiveness: This was back when monsters-repeating-things didn’t seem like a typical Moffat thing, and the actual question it was asking was disturbing in itself. I remember watching the trailer for The Doctor Dances and Eccleston saying that no force in the world can stop a child wanting to find its mummy. And that’s so true, and so scary. The gas mask doesn’t help, either. Oh yeah, there are some other gas mask people too, but really it’s the kid we remember, isn’t it? 10/10

Boom Town
Monster of the Week: Another moral dilemma story, this one, because technically we have both the Slitheen here – I forget her name, so I’ll just call her Prisoner on Death Row – and the Doctor dabbling in “monstrosity”. Mind you, PODR gets all evil again at the end.
Effectiveness: The sheer concept of this episode is frighteningly excellent, and it’s kind of a disappointment that she’s just evil at the end again. But to be fair, she’s given an excellent send-off, a second chance. Which Eccleston wouldn’t have done earlier in the season, so she lucked out. 9/10

Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways
Monster of the Week: Again, the Daleks... but only in the second episode. Initially, the monsters are mankind themselves, who are playing some pretty nasty games. And Anne Robinson is evil too, but then, we already knew that.
Effectiveness: The Daleks, en masse, don’t seem as interesting as one of their kind did in Dalek, and that’s because... well... for some reason, small numbers of scheming Daleks always seem more interesting than huge dollops of them. And yet... and yet, RTD manages to make them interesting through 1) their newfound anti-Dawkins-ism, and 2) some excellent scenes that show off the kind of heartless fucks they are (Floor Zero, Lynda with a Y... though to be fair, they do kill Anne Robinson). 9/10

The Christmas Invasion
Monster of the Week: The Sycorax, the Pilot Fish, and Harriet Jones, sorta.
Effectiveness: The Sycorax seem to be pretty interesting as an invasion force. For a start, they don’t come out all guns blazing, despite the fact that they clearly could, and it seems they just like dabbling in voodoo and magic. They also bothered to look up who the Prime Minister was before condemning her to death, which is very lovely of them. 9/10
The Pilot Fish are... well, they’re a teensy little threat that no-one gives a crud about. 5/10

New Earth
Monster of the Week: Bizarrely enough, there’s three here, and RTD attempts to give them all equal weight to some extent (well, apart from the fact that Cassandra obviously doesn’t weigh as much as... well, anything else in the episode): Cassandra, returning; some pseudo-zombies; and some cat nurses, which I’ve seen called cat nuns. I assume that’s because of the outfit, but I don’t see any evidence of religious affiliation!
Effectiveness: Baby Egg got her second chance; the Doctor got his second chance to end the Time War; the Doctor got his second chance at living a scar-free life; and now Cassandra, to fit in with that theme, gets hers. Unfortunately that chance is limited to five seconds of telling herself how pretty she is before dying, which still seems fairly shallow if you think abou-yeah I know she’s a trampoline and is automatically shallow, but shutup! 6/10
The zombies are really just there, aren’t they? They lumber along and moan. It’s a pretty unlikely representation of sick people, but then, it’s not the first time Doctor Who’s done this – see Terminus. 4/10
The cat nurses are kinda cool, but their motivation isn’t intriguing enough for me to say anything beyond that. Ah well. 6/10

Tooth and Claw
Monster of the Week: Say one thing about Russell; ask anyone else to write a story about Queen Victoria, a werewolf, and not-bulletproof monks, and they’d go away and leave the monks out because they’d think them silly. In fact, that did happen. And whoever that person was, was wrong! RTD knows that mixes of the weirdest enemies possible is very Doctor Who, regardless of whether they’re scary or not. And that’s twice in a row this has happened, too.
Effectiveness: The Werewolf itself isn’t the most impressive monster if you look at it as being the whole point of the episode, but it’s a pretty good threat if not. In its non-hairy form, too, it’s utterly creepy. 8/10
Meanwhile, bald monks wearing butler suits make for extraordinarily demented foes for the Doctor. They’re just barmy, really, but they’re fun too. 7/10

School Reunion
Monster of the Week: Ah, bugger it. The Krillitane...
Effectiveness: This is the first time we run into an alien race that doesn’t even have the good grace to be interesting. No, wait, hang on, that’s not fair; their backstory, of how they assimilate other species, is interesting. Though I wish we’d had long-necked freaks as foes instead. But they’re the antithesis of the Slitheen; a nice backstory, but ultimately motiveless, and, worse, completely and utterly boring. It’s such a waste. And the Headmaster is no Grayvorn. 2/10

The Girl in the Fireplace
Monster of the Week: Clockwork men!
Effectiveness: Yes, this is great. The fact that they’re not simply trying to kill people is great. But then, no Moffat monsters – barring, erm, the spacesuit-skeletons – do, which is lovely. Anyway, they’re only after one person, which is also very original. And to top it off, they look great, and they respond and react excellently. 10/10

Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel
Monster of the Week: CYBERMEN! Oh, and Tobias Vau-er I mean Davr-oh wait, Roger Lumic. That’s the one. I kinda wish he was named Barty Cybus, mind you.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen here are stonkingly good; they’re not exactly in key with the Cybermen we were introduced to in The Tenth Planet (which were, incidentally, very different to the ones in every other 60s story, no matter what anyone tries to tell you), but then they don’t have to be, because they’re from a parallel world and anyway this is the New Series. As long as they’re good, who cares? And they are. They’re emotionless, disturbing, and powerful. Weak yet strong, all in one package. 10/10
Lumic, on the other hand, is beyond the great!!!!!! That is, he’s terrible. 1/10

The Idiot’s Lantern
Monster of the Week: Maureen Lipman talking on TV like a presenter, and a bunch of faceless people working with her. Like every single news show, then.
Effectiveness: Hunnngrrrry! The Wire is aptly named, because, y’know, it’s the name of a show. Or something. Anyway, Lipman is fun, and it’s a fairly neat – though unexplained – monster. 7/10
The faceless people, on the other hand, don’t have any personality, can you believe it? :-O/10!!

The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit
Monster of the Week: Funnily enough, I always remember the Ood first, which is bizarre considering that Satan himself is the big nasty this time. What is this, Doom? Or, more accurately, Mood?
Effectiveness: The Ood look spectacular and are very awesome in the first episode, and are suitably creepy in the next. It’s a shame the Doctor doesn’t give a toss about them, but ah well. 9/10
Satan is... admittedly unexpected, with the whole mind-and-body are separate thing, but he’s a bit dull, isn’t he? And he gets defeated because he forgets elementary safety procedures when driving. I can’t decide whether that’s hilariously brilliant or mind-boggingly crap. In other words: 5/10

Love & Monsters
Monster of the Week: Four, in a sense. First of all, and most obviously, there’s the Abzorbaloff, a hilariously inept monster that no-one takes seriously (including Russell, folks! That’s the whole point of it!). There’s the Hoix at the start. Then there’s a quick mention of some sort of shadow which ate Elton’s mum, which could well have been the Vashta Nerada (and if the Doctor was there too, it implies that he’s constantly spending his time looking at shadows to determine whether they’re real or not. What a gimp he must look like). Oh, and then there’s the Doctor himself.
Effectiveness: Here’s the thing about the Abzorbaloff; it’s silly. It’s highly idiotic, it has a face on its arse, it has a terrible haircut, a walking cane, and the most unfocused and unstructured plan in Doctor Who history, which basically amounts to, “I want to find the most dangerous man in the cosmos, that guy who wiped out the two most almighty races that ever existed, and, I dunno, challenge him to a fist fight or something”. Which immediately makes it an incredibly brilliant creation. And yet, amazingly enough, even though it’s useless, it’s still capable of killing, and somehow its tearing apart of Elton’s world is far more disturbing and saddening than any other monster killing someone in Series Two so far. 10/10
The Hoix is blatantly there as monster-of-the-week in very postmodern style. And yet manages to be a better design than, say, Lazarus. 8/10
The Vashta Nerada don’t appear in this story. Well, there might be a cameo here or there in one or two scenes (one day I’m going to compile a list of Vashta Nerada cameos in the New Series, just you wait). 0/10
And then there’s the Doctor, who is monstrously callous at points in this story. Love & Monsters is very much both an affirming statement of how wonderful he is, and how heartless and nasty he can be too. It’s Human Nature before that episode aired, in other words. 9/10

Fear Her
Monster of the Week: Some scribbles, and a girl in a bedroom who’s inhaled some freaky substance, dude. And a very, very ANGRY DAD.
Effectiveness: The scribbles are nice to look at. Especially the one that kind of swivels around and tries to attack Rose, obviously furious at its potential to exist, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a shit idea that Chloe threw away. It’s like Ghost Writer, actually. 8/10
I love Chloe Webber! Well, no, I love Regan MacNeil. Now she was good. Webber just isn’t as interesting. Maybe she needed to call the Doctor a faggot more often, or at least masturbate with his sonic screwdriver. 3/10
The very, very ANGRY DAD is actually terrifying, because he’s an abusive father. He obviously comes home every night and gives his family paper cuts, which is beyond terrifying. 9/10

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday
Monster of the Week: They’re not actually ghosts, of course, because an army of them would, y’know... not be able to attack anyone. They are in fact Cybermen. Oh, and there’s Torchwood. Oh yeah, and a couple of Daleks too. Oh, but also millions of Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Cybermen have some good lines. But then, when we start rating emotionless monsters on how good their lines are, we know we’ve hit a snag. Bluntly, the Cybermen are really, really boring in this. They are just an army. 3/10
The Daleks have some good lines. The Cult of Skaro is interesting. And then they start shooting, and more arrive, and it gets hideously dull. Y’know, Russell does this a few times; introduce some interesting creatures/soldiers, and then have them start attacking each other, and it all gets dull (see New Earth and Journey’s End). 4/10
Torchwood are also highly interesting in the first episode. And thereafter cannon fodder. Not to mention the fact that they’re also canon fodder, since fans have been arguing about how they fit in to UNIT continuity for a while. Assuming there is a UNIT continuity, which there isn’t. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. They’re progressively lame. 5/10

The Runaway Bride
Monster of the Week: Catherine Tate. I mean... the Racnoss, and its babies. And those dratted Pilot Fish again.
Effectiveness: Santa wasn’t scary the first time, nor was he scary the second. Now if the one in the taxi had invited Donna to sit on its lap, then I would’ve been terrified. As it stands: 3/10
The Racnoss is a rather well-designed monster, but admittedly I can’t remember at all what its plan is. It wants to infect Catherine Tate with something, which I suppose a lot of fans do. 5/10

Smith and Jones
Monster of the Week: Curiously everyone remembers the Judoon from this ep, but obviously it’s actually Grandma Dracula, and her exercise freaks.
Effectiveness: As I said, the Judoon aren’t monsters, they’re just police. But they’re brutal, rely on flimsy forensic evidence, and bugger off when they’re really needed. Nothing like the real police, then. Oh yeah, and they also look like rhinos, which is pretty neat. 8/10
Grandma Dracula’s moved on from cranberry juice to blood, and is now being asked by highwaymen, “Where’s the blood, m’lud?”. And she sucks out blood through a straw. Come on, that’s just ludicrously awesome. 9/10
Burning off calories and helping out octogenarian vampires; such is the life of a biker. I’m glad Doctor Who taught me this valuable fact. 7/10

The Shakespeare Code
Monster of the Week: Three witches – one of them Azazeal’s bitch – and some other witches to come which are all bat-shaped for some reason. They’re called Carrionites too.
Effectiveness: I’ve no idea why they appear to have three forms, though I suppose “magic” is a reasonable answer. The fact that they play on words is a neat little twist. They’re ultimately not that memorable, but they’re adequate for the episode they’re in. 7/10

Gridlock
Monster of the Week: Technically, the Macra.
Effectiveness: And yet, the Macra aren’t the foes, they’re just vultures picking up the scraps. There’s no real villain or monster to this story at all, which is refreshing and excellent... and erm, technically means I should be giving this a 0/10. ...I can’t do it, it’s too good. 10/10!

Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks
Monster of the Week: Some pigs, and some Daleks.
Effectiveness: The Daleks are capable of being interesting here, though they’re nothing special. Still, a valiant attempt. And Dalek Sec – goddammit, I always hit the “x” instead of “c” when I type that. Thanks a lot, Katy Manning – at the very least looks interesting. 8/10
The pigs are... well, pigs. So naturally they’ll succeed in New York. 6/10

The Lazarus Experiment
Monster of the Week: Mark Gatiss... I wish. No, it’s actually a big scorpion.
Effectiveness: I won’t go into the bizarre notion of where the scorpion comes from – which is as bizarre as Greenhorn’s assertion that a clone of the Doctor is his daughter too, so at least he’s consistently bizarre – suffice to say that, apart from a couple of nice scenes when Gatiss is around, the scorpion is utterly dull. 2/10

42
Monster of the Week: “Burn with me”, says the sun. Yes, that’s right. The sun.
Effectiveness: I can’t get over the idea of a malevolent sun; it’d be like if Planet of Evil really was about a planet that had blood dripping from its large fangs and schemed to conquer the universe. 1/10

Human Nature/The Family of Blood
Monster of the Week: The Family... of Blood!!! The long-lost descendants of Grandma Dracula, perhaps? Oh yeah, and war.
Effectiveness: Oops! Another Cornell script, so yet another bunch of not-that-interesting aliens. Even though Harry Lloyd is hilariously awesome. “Go on then, RUUUUN!” But that’s not the point, because even though this means we have the third episode in a row with not-so-great monsters, this is an episode that isn’t just a showcase for its monsters, not at all. 7/10
War! War is bad! And racism. And scarecrows! I forgot about them, they’re also bad. 9/10

Blink
Monster of the Week: Art installations. Sorry, I mean – statues.
Effectiveness: Again, they don’t kill you, they just make sure you don’t live the life you should’ve deserved. Which is kinda scary. They also play the “Where am I?” game with their hands that parents do with their children, which means they’re very patronising to their victims. Excellent all round. 10/10

Utopia
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Futurekind.
Effectiveness: The Master’s not actually in it for much, but fuck, it’s intense watching him. And the fact that he’s taken a sudden interest in drumming just makes him even scarier. 10/10
Chan, the Futurekind can get in, tho! Chan, they’ve got lovely teeth, tho! Chan, but they’re really just in the background, tho. ...No! Heeheeheehee! (That’s a question; does Chantho have to say “chan” and “tho” whenever she coughs, or sneezes, or laughs? Or gasps?) 7/10

The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords
Monster of the Week: The Master! Well... also the Toclafane.
Effectiveness: He listens to the Rogue Traders, and then to the Scissor Sisters (and, intriguingly, also suggests that his wife get with a massage woman. He likes his lesbians!), pushing the Doctor around in a wheelchair. He’s nasty and he’s funny, and he kills people out of spite because he’s an insane freak. He’s also by far the most interesting villain a New Series finale has had so far. 10/10
And amazingly, the Toclafane are interesting too, or at least they are when we realise that they’re us. 9/10

Partners in Crime
Monster of the Week: The Supernanny, and fat.
Effectiveness: Supernanny looks cool, and has a screwdriver. It’s almost a surprise that she wasn’t a hit on the Gamestation. 8/10
The Adipose may not be the greatest of designs, but they’re undeniably cute, and it’s not their fault that they’re made from the fat of dead humans. They also exit through catflaps, which begs the riddle, “When is a fat not a fat? ...when it builds its own fatflap!” 8/10

The Fires of Pompeii
Monster of the Week: Okay, let’s see; a psychic Sisterhood, a soothsayer, some rocks, and a volcano. Erm.
Effectiveness: Too many cooks spoil the broth, it’s said, especially when the volcano would be a hell of a cooker. The Sisterhood have eyes on their hands, which is bad for them because drawing on yourself with pen is a no-no – they could poison themselves! The soothsayer is so in tune with fortune telling that his teeth actually look like Stonehenge. And the rocks themselves are firey and stuff. Yep. 7/10 for them all, combined.

Planet of the Ood
Monster of the Week: Not really the Ood, is it? Technically, humans are the villains here! ...but not the ones of our time, oh no. Cos sweatshops are cool, it’s only squid-slave-drivers that are evil.
Effectiveness: The Ood really are brilliant creations, and the humans in this story are suitably nasty to them. Tim McInnerny is also betrayed by his associate and suffers from a premature death. No wait, that’s Blackadder Goes Forth. 9/10

The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky
Monster of the Week: British Sontarans, and an American nerd genius.
Effectiveness: Erm... well, the Sontarans are skulking about in this story for most of it, which is very un-Sontaran. Not the most successful of revivals for an old villain. Although “Sontar-HA!” really is just awesome. 5/10
Luke Rattigan, on the other hand, is like Drax from Moonraker, only he stupidly doesn’t tell his associates that he wants to take them off Earth and screw them until it’s too late. He’s also got a gun, because, you know, even nerds have guns if they’re American. At the end of the story, though, he redeems himself; he picks himself off the street, stops giving guys blowjobs, and goes back to his father’s house. No wait, that’s Wire in the Blood. 8/10

The Doctor’s Daughter
Monster of the Week: Humans with the lifespan of dragonflies, and fish with the lifespan of dragonflies. But no dragonflies.
Effectiveness: The Hath are apparently bred for war, yet are ridiculously peaceful throughout. So apart from their bubble-mouths, they’re a bit shit. 6/10
And the humans are... erm... well, they’re not that interesting either. 4/10

The Unicorn and the Wasp
Monster of the Week: A wasp. But no literal unicorn.
Effectiveness: I like it when the priest is buzzing. I don’t like it when the wasp is buzzing. Because it’s boring. 5/10

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead
Monster of the Week: The Vashta Nerada – shadows that feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. And also some skeletons in spacesuits.
Effectiveness: The Vashta Nerada are a nice idea, but it was apparently not physical enough for Moffat – even though it plays by the same intriguing rules as the Angels from Blink – and he added some skeletons too, who repeat boring things and actually try to kill people (dammit, you flunked it, Moffat!). Not very interesting at all. 6/10

Midnight
Monster of the Week: Whatever-it-is-that-invades-the-truck, and tourists.
Effectiveness: This really is gripping. Ironically, after a story that reverts to Moffat’s need to give his monsters repetitious catchphrases, RTD writes one about a monster that repeats everything, and pulls it off brilliantly. 10/10
And then there’s the humans themselves, who are all clear-cut. We know these people in the space of five or so minutes, and yet we don’t know the depths they’ll sink to. But, when they do, we believe it. 10/10

Turn Left
Monster of the Week: Well, technically there’s loads of off-screen monsters in this, but really, it’s, um, a beetle on Tate’s back.
Effectiveness: The means to an end, the beetle is just something to drive the story along, like the Reapers were in ‘Father’s Day’. It’s hardly important at all. 7/10
Chan, oh yeah, there’s also a fortune teller, tho. Chan, she’s kinda cool, tho. Chan, but maybe she should do other things with her time, tho. Chan, like play tic tac, tho. 7/10

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End
Monster of the Week: Daleks. And... DAVROS!
Effectiveness: The Daleks are just hideously dull by this point, I’m afraid. 3/10
Davros, on the other hand, retains some interest. Or at least, he does when he isn’t scheming, and is instead trading verbal debate and arguments with the Doctor, which is always when Davros is at his most interesting, come to think of it. He does however create the shittily named Reality Bomb – but to be fair, like “Dalek”, maybe it means something really cool in Skaroese. 7/10

SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNT?
Well... nothing, I just felt like rating the monsters. Truly I’m a monster for wasting your time.